Version 1 : I have a great excuse for not getting the blog updated.
On Tuesday I was forced by my wife to get checked-out for some minor health issues.
The Local Animal Dr/HMO surgeon recomended that we go to the ER for faster test results. Obediently, we go to the hospital but before I can explain that this is no big deal, I feel fine, this is just a test. . I am wearing one of those assless pajama tops with tubes and wires up into everything. People sticking things everywhere, intimately, and without so much as an introduction.
You start to worry when you look down at the foot of your gurney to see a youngish looking black Doctor - i swear the kid looked younger than Doogy Hauser - and he is looking at my chart through thick plastic rimmed glasses and yelling "Holy shit! Code Blue! Sombody get the difribbukator! Where are my paddles?"
I'm panicked by then - just as one zaftic black lady appears and grabs him by
the arm and says, "Com'on, Leroy! You not sposed to be bodderin' the sick
mens..." She smiles at me like 'he was just funnun ya'.
Fucking hospitals. Then another kid in a green doctor suit wants to
stick his purple gloved finger up my ass ostensibly to check my prostate.
"You won't like this" he says. But the drugs are dulling my rapier wit.
"How can you tell I might be gay?" I smile agreeably. He grimmaces at my bad sense of humor.
He says that my prostate isn't "all that big", Then confirms the worst diagnosis:
most definitely "blood in stool". Enough discussion on how this is determined. eh? I cannot think of a worse sounding symptom.
>
So internal bleeding. The best case is bleeding ulcers; the worst case is bullet to the abdomen, middle case is colon cancer. With no reason to suspect bullet holes we have a tossup which I am rooting for theulcer. A literal army of people come in and out of my "room" in the ER. Some are just looking for supplies which are stored on the shelves. The pull back the curtain look at me, look around and close the curtain. i am like a Panda in the zoo, viewing is available for all who pay the price of a ticket,
Apparently, I am being examined in a part time storage room. Still it looks a lot like the exam room on the TV set. I am wired to a heart machine that beeps encouragingly and displays my life line om a small monitor; my temp and pulse rate are being tracked by a wired clothespin on my index finger. An automatic blood pressure cuff is attached to my upper arm. Periodically it inflates and deflates to record the vital measures of my blood pressure - which is probably hitting the roof because I am convinced this is the Hotel California (You can check out but you can never leave...) , and I am most certainly doomed.
As I try to write this I am under the influence of too many drugs to recall what has transpired in detail since Tuesday. Spent two nights being monitored and getting (probably contaminated) several blood transfusions. I was released on Thursday and when I saw my doc on Friday he said I was going to be fine, but that I should never to take Aleve or - drink anything alcoholic again (ever) - he has me on an alcohol withdrawal drug - probably the same one they are giving to Mel Gibson. I hope he doesn't have as much tyops as I do.
Version two - cleaned up
Anyhow, it's been a hard week. On monday, I was not feeling so good. Not to be indiscrete but my bowels were not behaving "normally"; I was feeling lightheaded as I worked around the yard. it was hot, so I attrinuted the lightheadedness to heat exhaustuion.
On Tuesday, My wife pursueded me to call our HMO for a looksee. They thought I sounded anemic and that I needed a test that could best be done as an outpatient, so I endup at Brigham and womens ER. Long story short: I am bleeding from ulcers. The give me two units of blood to raise my blood count. I stayed there tues and wed night (this was the first time I had been in the hospital overnight since my birth.)
I am now on a coctail of drugs that makes typing werds almost impossible. One of the drugs is attipan which seems to simulate the effects of drinking a qt of vodka. They (The young fellows dressed in green clothese who call themselvbes DR seem to think that my bleeding ulers are caused by a combination of too mucn naproxin (ALEVE) too mutch scotch and Gin. Maybe caused by bargain priced no name tonic water.
Today - Saturday (what happened to Friday?) I am feeling fine and beck to my normal routine - except for the Alevel and alcohol both of which I am on an indefinit prohibition from. This thursday I am checking my self into the mel gibson rehab clinic, sounds like fun.
more news when i can tyoe bettr
No comments:
Post a Comment