Thoughts on Christmas Letters

Consider your selves lucky.  You didn't get a Christmas Letter from us this year, recalling the memorable moments experienced by our wonderful family during the last twelve months.  You did not have to squint at blurry photos of us standing in front of monuments and churches on our enviable trips.  You were spared the adorable pictures of our cuddly pets and cuter-than-average grandkids.  If you were on our A list, you got a nice storebought card with an appropriate seasonal wish/greeting. 

 Everyone has access to word processing,  so it has become de rigueur for the family scribe to compose these little annual histories, like newsletters, printed with festive little borders and using special gothic fonts.  We got a dozen or so, ranging from the barely readable to the mildly informative to the ludicrous.  When the authors sit-down to write a Christmas Letter, they presumably do so out of an urge to recap the year of pertinent news for friends whom they have not had regular contact with.  But by the third sentence they start channeling Walter Cronkite, announcing each mundane event as if it were late-breaking need-to-know news.

 "Trish said her first word in February. It was "Dlurb" 

           "Thor, our new pucker doodle puppy,  ate mom's favorite pink bunny slipper."

While I am sure these memories are precious, I wonder if they need to be shared with the World.  Sometimes, they can unintentionally reveal too much information.

 "Slippery fingers Jill dropped a gallon jug of K-Y Jelly on my toe and I was limping around for a month."

Does anyone really like to get these smarmy, self-satisfied, impersonal missives?  I don't think so. The mistake most amateur writers make is that their prime motivation is to tell you something positive about themselves.  They incorrectly think that you are interested in their wonderful lives, so they selectively pick-out what they think is the most enviable moments.  They believe themselves to be informative and entertaining, I guess.  

The truth is, we are more entertained by accounts of ruined parties - where uncle Jack got drunk and fell off the chair  - than we are about perfectly planned parties where the food was perfectly cooked and everyone exchanged pleasant dinner conversation.  We don't want to hear you gush about your luxurious river cruise down the Seine, we want to hear about your miserable air travel hassles "And little Bernie screamed all the way from Paris to Rome! It was awful."   We wallow in your misery.

 Christmas Letter authors ought to be more caring and tuned-in to their audience.  Instead of crowing about what a great year you have had, describe some of the hilariously  crappy moments.  Instead of striving to make your recipients wish they were you, give them the gift of  being happy with their own lot in life - make them glad they aren't you.

Here are some ideas to get you started on a more interesting Christmas Letter next year:

"Melvin lost most of our nestegg investing in mink farms. What an Idiot. I should have married...."

"One of the neighbors tipped-off the cops and they confiscated my whole crop of weed...."

"Alice is pregnant again. She was featured on the Maury show to determine who the dad is....."

" Irving saved money by spreading lime on the front himself. Except that he mistakenly loaded up the spreader with rock salt..."

"Publishers Clearing house knocked on the door, but no one was home...."

 

You get the idea. 

** Disclaimer: Except for George, no one who reads this blog sent one of the Christmas Letters described in the piece.

 

Ch-ch-changes

Although I generally think of myself as retired,  I have kept up an interest in keeping active and involved with the working world.   In early December I answered a job ad on Craigslist for a Shipper at a small local nonprofit publishing company.  The job description contained many of the elements that I want in a job:
      ·         local – this outfit was a 6 minute drive,
      ·          modest commitment of time -  two  mornings a week (8hrs max) ,
      ·         some physical activity – 70% of the job was not sitting in front of a computer,
      ·         A decent hourly rate – $15 which is a few bucks above the min. wage.

During the interview, I learned that the job involved entering transactions on the database the picking packing and shipping.  I have always been a fan of the fulfillment process.  At various times in my career I have worked at big companies, helping to design and implement optimal processes for order entry, through the distribution cycle to billing and receipt.  On my resume I used to claim to be an IT fulfillment expert.  

But those high flying glory days are long ago and far away.  These days I swing on low hanging branches.  This opportunity appeared  to  be an easy way to get a paid workout and lend some structure to my distinctly unstructured week.  The two women who interviewed me apparently saw that I was a trustworthy guy who would show up and get things done.  So I accepted the offer with a modicum of hope and enthusiasm.

However after two weeks of training it became clear that this was not turning out to be what I had expected.  It was a very small operation, with only 2 full timers and only one other part timer ( the Accountant).  The physical part of the job – schlepping boxes of books, packing and filling orders – was relatively easy to learn and well within my strength and endurance capabilities.  After several weeks I had established a fairly good routine for getting the shipping and stocking work done.

But the job also involved key-entry of order data into a MAC  Filemaker Pro database.  This was a customized system that was probably considered "state of the art" in 1991.  It was clunky, and I was slow.  The gal who I was reporting to was impatient with my tedious keyboarding skills and several times during the training, she would exasperatedly reach over and hit the key that I was searching for.   When I told her not to do that, she developed a scowl that became ever-present when she and I were in the same room.    

I have never been very good at labor intensive activities myself.   Perhaps this realization was the motivation  for the role that I enjoyed most in my professional life:  helping other people work more efficiently.

Since retiring and entering the world of part-time work, I have had to come to terms with the realization that employers were not looking for their part-timers to be problem solvers or major contributors; they just wanted an efficient, interchangeable part - An easily replaceable working unit who does not ask questions or offer suggestions for improvement.  Ideally, they’d prefer a robot.  

I admit that I am not always patient or compliant.  Like most adults, I dislike supervision.  I can be stubborn – a tendency which I blame on my Irish and Dutch genes.  There was a lot of supervision and not much congeniality.  I expected a laid-back atmosphere, but was disappointed to find the chill of no-nonsense efficiency to be the prevailing wind.

This may sound like a self-serving rationalization for my decision to quit the job, but after a few weeks, I just did not see things getting better.   One of the chief reasons I quit my last job (at AAA), was because  they would not even discuss the possibility of improving the process (too costly), and yet they blamed the hapless counter people for making errors on a system that was neither logical or intuitive.  This was pretty much the same situation. 

At my age, I feel that I should not endure anything that I dislike if I can help it.  So, it is with little regret that I say sayonara and good luck.  Every experience is an education; even if it is not always fun.

Have I given-up on my quest to become usefully employed?  No.   My daughter has encouraged me to follow her interests in mediation training.  She seems to think that I would enjoy helping people find solutions to conflicts.  I am giving it serious consideration.   I demur, because the cynical part of my ego suspects that it is too late -- that I have become a hopelessly grumpy old fart who will never be satisfied with any job.

Hope still lives – I am starting Yoga lessons next week.  Flexibility and inner peace, here I come!

Holiday Events

Here at the Wellesley mansion, we have been busy preparing for the holiday festivities. We have a wreath with a red bow hanging out front and we have a Christmas Tree. Yes, Virginia, we still call it a "Christmas Tree" and if our Muslim, Jewish, Gay, Transgender, Vegetarian, African-American, Handicapped, Atheist friends and neighbors are offended, they can go suck eggs.

Last year, I finally gave-in and let my wife buy an artificial - excuse me, she calls it a "permenant" tree. It comes in three sections pre-wired with lights , and takes all of 10 minutes to put up. I would prefer a traditional “live” spruce, but I must admit there is an up-side to going fake. No schlepping around looking for the perfect tree at a reasonable price, no pine needles on the rug, easy-up, easy-down, and no expired tree to haul off to the dump.  The cats seem annoyed that there is no water tray to drink from, but they are captivated by the many new cat toys hanging from the branches.

We have another holiday party to go to this afternoon.  One of those open house deals where the hostess has cluelessly scheduled it smack in the middle of the Patriots vs Broncos game.   She feels that it is the NFL schedule that is at fault and besides who what a waste of time watching a stupid football game characterized by intense moments of brutality interspersed by long intervals of standing around and commercials.  She has a point, but still...

This will be our third holiday event in three days, and we know the effects of all that rich food and libation.  I may have to let out my belt a notch, but no worries I have already resolved to start a more healthy lifestyle -- next year.

'Tis The Season for Feeling Charitable

Like you, I hate to see pictures of starving children and homeless adults.  I believe that in a prosperous country such as ours, a principal role of the government should be to assuage the hardships on the less fortunate among us.  They say that among peoples of the world Americans are the most generous, both publicly and privately.  Many wealthy Americans are generous in their charitable giving.

Obama keeps telling us that everyone needs to pay their fair share.  Frankly, I don't blame wealthy conservatives for not wanting to pay higher taxes.  The government wastes most of the money it collects.  The cost of corruption, featherbedding, pork-barrel spending, cronyism,  malfeasance, lavish perks, abuse of privilege, and general incompetence adds up to skillions of dollars. No president or elected representative seems willing or able to address that simple truth.

The Boston Globe had an article recently  lamenting the problems charities are having with donations.  They blame the shortfalls on the widespread problems of the economy  -- especially joblessness and underemployment.
I must confess that as a fixed-income pensioner I am getting more tightfisted when it comes to charitable giving.  In the past when I was enjoying a moderate earnings as a worker I would donate to several different charities.  During the eighties, the local United Way organization was aggressive in getting corporations to influence their employees to sign up for "recommended levels" of giving.  The corporate UW committee members enjoyed lavish luncheons and generous time allowances to work on strategies to convince employees to pony-up generous donations, painlessly deducted from weekly paychecks.  The goal of 100% participation was articulated at upper management levels and  hamhandedly enforced by  management lackeys. While this approach was monetarily successful, it created a toxic atmosphere for some employees who resented being told how much to give, and who should decide which charity should get the donations. Needless to say, I was among those who rejected this fascist high-pressure approach to charitable giving.

Instead I would choose a half dozen worthy charities and divide my modest contributions among them.  Over the years , however, I became alienated by the aggressive marketing efforts of these charities.   I should confess, this alienation corresponds to an increasing personal attitude of skepticism and cynicism about the percentage of collected monies that found their way to the actual recipients.

Annoying bellringers -- give them nothing!

A few years ago I sent a nice check to the Salvation Army - an organization that I believe does great service in the general community.  Within a few months of my contribution I began to receive a series of requests for even more generosity.  With dismay,  I realized that my donation was actually being used to cover the costs of soliciting more donations!  To this day, despite my entreaty to be removed from the list,  I get 5 or 6 mailings per year from Salvation Army, all of which go into the recycle bin, unopened.  By the way, I refuse to give cash to anyone clanging a bell on a street corner.  That's just so annoying, not to mention that they set-up right at the door to the supermarket to try to make you feel guilty if you pass them by.

I will not be intimidated.  I always resented being strong-armed by well meaning neighbors or coworkers to give to the charity of their choice.  I don't mean solicitations for girl scout cookies, I'm talking about subsidizing walks for dreaded diseases, collections for their personal cause.  Hey I don't go around begging friends to contribute to The Institute for Research on Bloggers with Writers Block, do I?

The only charity I contribute to these days is the Boston Globe Santa, which spends 100% of all cash donations on the intended recipients.  The Globe donates its advertising and program management expenses to cover administrative costs.  To me, this is a real charity, worthy of my generosity.  Perhaps this year I shall bump my usual $20 contribution, to a hefty $25.

Suck on that, United Way.

Truth Seeking in the Land of Ideology

 I have frequently (and rather pompously) declared myself to be a Seeker Of Truth.   I emphasize that title with capital letters because I regard seeking the truth to be every bit as noble as other appellations such as, Chaplain, Professor, Doctor, Senator or even Dump Manager. (I claim solidarity with all workers in the profession of Waste Management, as we suffer similar scorn by society: our work is vital, yet society does not regard it as nice. But, someone needs to do it.)

Truth Seeking is scorned by true-believers.  The pursuit of Truth requires an  objective evaluation of facts.  This is impossible for one who is invested deeply in an ideology, which by definition is a system of doctrines based on beliefs.    It seems many TB's feel the need to loudly proclaim their moral superiority.  I regard this impulse as equivalent to whistling in the dark.  TB's almost always express fear - fear of  eternal punishment, fear of dangerous slippery slopes,  Socialism, terrorism, strangers, change, loss of traditional values, etc.

   

Debating with someone under the sway of ideology is futile, especially if you are invested in a competing set of doctrines. This is one of the reasons that dinner parties are less interesting these days.  Conversation has devolved to an assertion of beliefs rather than an exchange of honest information.  Listening once meant trying to keep an open mind, but no one listens anymore, except to listen for opportunities to hijack the discussion. (When not talking, the ideologue suffers the lame and inaccurate assertions of others, waiting for the critical  pause and then launches a nuanced verbal attack.)  No one seems to change their minds about anything.

It seems that when you become a TB and you decide what you truly believe in – whether it is Global Warming, Illegal Immigration, Progressive Taxation or Abortion (just to name a few) – you unshakably  believe only those assertions of fact that agree with your baseline position.  All other “facts” are suspect.  You question their validity because of the alleged bias of person who utters them, or the junk science that discovered them, on and on.  Faced with incontrovertible evidence, you will still find a way to stick to your root beliefs.  The shrinks have a name for it they call it "Cognitive dissonance".

In conversations with others, I have often been scoffed at as a fuzzy thinking fence sitter, a flip-flopper and probably worse.  My interlocutors must have felt it is an intellectual defect not to have a bear-hug on  a firmly-held conviction.  To me, it seems nearly impossible to find the Truth in the haystack of factoids, rumors and disinformation.    

I have never claimed to be the smartest guy in the room (except when I am alone with the cats)  but I privately (perhaps pompously) considered myself intellectually superior to smarter guys who did not realize that no issue is completely black or white. There are at least two sides to every issue. There are no absolute truths. 

Right wingers will use the 5^th Commandment of the Christian Bible to argue that killing is wrong, but they only mean it in the context of abortion.  These same believers will giddily approve the use of tax money to subsidize the production of weapons of mass destruction because it creates jobs.  But, where is that fine print in the Bible that allows situational exceptions to the injunction against killing?

Left wingers would like to remove all vestiges of human tribal inclination.  We are the world, they claim.  All resources belong to all men equally.  They would demolish state boundaries and distribute the wealth to everyone.  Yet without the competitive spirit of Capitalism there would be no wealth to distribute. 

These contradictions do not bother the True Believer.

Things are getting worse for Truth Seekers.  Negative political ads are nothing new, but recently the tack seems to have taken the direction towards the "low road."   There was a time when a smear ad would exaggerate the opponent's position, or take a quote out of context.  But the recent Romney TV ad deceptively shows Obama quoting a statement from the McCain campaign, as if it had been Obama's statement.
I think this is beneath contempt and would not consider voting for Mitt Romney unless he apologizes and fires the staff member(s) responsible for the ad.  Romney is more susceptible to negative ads than most polititians, since he can be honestly quoted to reveal his changeable positions.  True Believing conservatives already consider Mitt to be a shape-shifting, flip-flopping RINO (Republican in name only).   Now, he has alienated
Seekers of Truth.  

Competing Agendas

You have probably seen images of various cities where the Occupiers are brandishing signs "Sorry for the Inconvenience, We are trying to Change the World."    This is a weak attempt to diminish the rage many of the other 99% are feeling when the protests cause traffic gridlock,  making them late for work, or shut-down their workplace, or ruin their plans for a day in the city.

Don't shoot the messenger shoot the bankers!

The arrogant attitude of the Occupiers is clear:  OUR AGENDA is more important than your agenda.  If you don't want the world to be changed, then, you are wrong.  If you think it is a crime to block traffic and interfere with other people's rights, then you are the enemy.

Think about it:  this is pretty much the same rationale embraced by terrorists, who believe that THEIR AGENDA trumps your right to not be blown to smithereens just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It is only a few bus stops on the same trolly line from Occupy to Suicide-Bomber.  It is only a matter of the degree of chaos you are willing to inflict on the innocent bystander.  The mentality is the same:  We are so right that we claim the authority to override your rights. Another parallel to terrorism: The targets of the protest suffer the least, rather it is the innocent bystander who is most inconvenienced, or maimed.

Don't get me wrong.  I am not being critical of the message. Some of the points are well justified.  I just don't like the method.  We are still a free society and I don't believe that  trampling of other people's freedoms is justified by your agenda, however righteous.

On the other hand, I recognize that revolutions are messy, and I will not be surprised to see some political heads rolling.  Because terrorism has proven to be an effective way to get attention.

Thanks for Nothing

Well, here it is:  the day for  bloggers to publish smarmy, insincere lists counting their so-called blessings.  It would be too boring to list the stuff I feel lucky about, so here is my Thanks for Nothing List:

#1 Congressional Budget Super-committee.  These hand-picked representatives couldn't agree on any worthwhile proposal that would help reduce the deficit, create jobs, or improve confidence in the US economy. On the contrary, they helped drive stock market prices lower, by demonstrating the dysfunction of our leadership. This has a direct impact on my nest egg, which makes it personal.  Thanks alot - for nothing.

#2 Data Doctors.  I brought my computer in for service.  3 days later the PC is returned with new things wrong with it.  I am $150 poorer but am reluctant to bring it back, because these people clearly do not know what they are doing.  I notice the Natick store is now closed, why am I not surprised.  Thanks for nothing.

#3 The Mail Man who delivers soggy mail in wet weather.  Please, don't go out in the rain. sleet,  fog and snow.  I would rather have my mail un-delivered than having wet,  barely readable drenched envelopes -- even if the mail is mostly comprised of unsolicited marketing offers.By what logic do you think it is a service to stuff my mailbox with wet mail?  Holiday tip??  Hahahaha.  Thanks for nothing.

#4 Bank of America - you want to charge me to talk to a teller?  Most of them barely speak English.  I have moved my money to a less fee infested bank.  Also I sold all the stock that I paid $40 per share at $12 a share.  Last time I check it was $5 something.  Thanks for nothing.

#5 The guy who invented the leaf blower.  You should die a painful death and be condemned to the fiery pits for eternity. Thanks for inventing the loudest, most annoying consumer item ever.

#6 The Red Sox for a truly forgettable season.

The Court of Public Opinion

The news headline today shouts that Joe Paterno, football coach at Penn State since the Civil War, and the University President  - whose name no one knows -  were fired for their sins of ommission.  Even though the alleged perpetrator of the child abuse has not worked as Assistant Coach since 1999, these two have been found guilty because they did not call the police.  Hmm.  Makes you wonder what happened to the assumption of innocence.  Has the perp been to court yet?  How come the story is not about him?

Herman Cain is still denying that he ever acted  inappropriately with anyone.  If this is true then he probably deserves the nomination, since I would bet money that no one else who is running for political office can honestly  make such a statement.  Men in power are notorious for bad behavior.  For for a man who spends a lot of time on the road, whose job allows him a lavish expense account, the opportunities for mischeif are too great to be avoided.  It is difficult to believe that 4 (maybe more by the time you read this) women are making this stuff up.  Cain's denials will sink him; American votors will forgive their leaders for being sexually innapropriate, but they wont tolerate lying about it.

Just ask John Edwards.

State of the House

Well, we have no heat, the freezer keeps defrosting and melts all the ice cubes overnight, and my computer has a virus that keeps grabbing RAM and stalls out to the point that I have to shut off the machine.  There are solutions:

Heat: We will survive the weekend with no heat even if the cats are not too happy, then we will call someone on monday.

Freezer: we have a spare working fridge downstairs so we are not entirely ice-less. Several attempts to fix it by local service outfit (Jarvis) were unsuccessful.  Their customer service leaves much to be desired.  I have the name of a competent repairman and will contact him next week

Computer:  I am screwed, according to technical experts and will have to re-install Windows to fix the problem.  I would rather have pins stick in my eyes.

The Downstairs bathroom is not in operation.  All plumbing fixtures were removed, including our classic old Kohler Rochelle throne.  It now sleeps in the landfill container at the dump. The floor was freshly tiled a few days ago.  Today, as soon as I stop procrastinating, I will paint the walls. 


New Toto
Promenade



Monday, the plumber will come back to install the new Toto toilet and Euro style vanity. 

The hot water heater seems to work.  Maybe I should take a shower. 

RIP Steve Jobs

Death Does not carry a Smartphone

They called him “A genius;

Cut-down before his time,”

(As if one could remonstrate to Death’s

beckoning, “Not now, it isn’t my time!”)

Perhaps it was karma:        

A final disconnection,

Just retribution for the ruination

Of human conversation.

But no one at the table

Was listening, instead

Squinting into their iPhones

Reading tiny text messages

About nothing.

New Toy

Lake Cochituate

So the other day I took my newly acquired  kayak for a paddle on Lake Cochituate.  It's a few years old (2009), but new to me.  I saw it listed on a Craigslist ad.  It was the model and size I had decided on - an Old Town Dirigo Angler, 12 ft.  And at $500 it was the cheapest of the used ones I had seen over a few weeks of research.  A new one costs  around $800 on sale.  The paddle, worth an added  $60-90 was included.

Everyone warned me about meeting a stranger with cash in my pocket, probably still thinking about the guy who used Craigslist to meet his victims then robbed and even killed one of them.   Fortunately, this guy was just a guy who just wanted to sell his kayak.  I guess sometimes things are what they seem to be.

I used tie-downs to hold the kayak on the top of the van for the forty mile ride home. The were no mishaps en route. 

I started checking out the kayak sections of the local sporting goods stores and quickly realized that I was not ready to go boating.  I needed accessories.  Mandatory was a PFD or as we landlubbers call them life vests - the new tech term is personal flotation device.  I suppose they changed the name so you can't sue them if you drown wearing one.  Also I needed a bilge pump to get water out of the cockpit, and a dolly to help transport the kayak from car to water's edge.  Sometimes this can be quite a distance. If you have to carry or drag the thing (weighs around 50 pounds) you would be exhausted before you even get it in the water.  More accessories are needed:  A rooftop kayak carrier, drybags to keep stuff in, a paddle leash - a cord that you attach to your paddle and your vest to keep the paddle from running off. Eventually I would need to get a spray skirt  - to keep water out of the cockpit in rough water (I have no intentions of trying to paddle in anything but calm waters for the foreseeable future).

One Saturday morning a few weeks ago, the weather was perfect for a test run.  80 degrees, no wind.   My wife insisted on accompanying me on the maiden voyage.  I guess she wanted to evaluate my "floatability".  It was good that she came, since I did not have the dolly yet.  I figured I could use the help carrying the kayak the 50 yards from the parking lot to the launch area.  She also brought the camera, to record the event for posterity.  I removed the seats from the Caravan and loaded the boat.  About two feet stuck out the back, so I just used bungee cords to hold everything firmly with the hatch partially open.  It is only 10 minutes to the lake on back roads, so this was an acceptable way to transport the kayak.

The thing about a kayak is that it sits low in the water, unlike a canoe where the paddler is sitting on a raised bench.  The flexibility required for graceful entry and exit of  a kayak is found only in the fit and thin, neither of which am I.  Thus, the description of my getting-in and -out of the kayak will be skipped out of respect for my self esteem.  Suffice it to say that I got wet. 

But once out on the water, I was quite happy with my new boat.  I paddled around for nearly an hour before the muscles began to complain. 

This shot was taken of me returning to shore.  I would not let my wife take pictures during the "exiting the kayak" maneuver, but if she'd had a  video recorder, the ensuing action would have made it to America's Funniest Videos.

IIWII

One of the koans that has entered American parlance recently is the phrase:  "It is what it is."
People generally say this when they have run out of ideas.  They really mean, "I have no further information that would be helpful."   They shrug and give you a look of grudging acceptance and utter the meaningless phrase, "It is what it is."

I find it annoying.  Lately, I have found it entertaining to counter "No it isn't!"

End of Summer on the Cape

The day after Irene, we drove to East Sandwich on Cape Cod.  We were overnight guests at a beachfront cottage.  A week earlier, the person who had rented the place and had prepaid the $2000 weekly rate,  fell off a ladder, broke his leg and was unable to use it.  He offered it to my daughter who in turn invited us to stay for a night.  Hey, a free night at the Cape, why not.

I was anticipating a roiling ocean from the Hurricane/tropical storm that just passed over us on Sunday, and was mildly disappointed to encounter a relatively flat sea, with small unintimidating waves.

Beachfront Cottage on Dunes

My first impressions upon seeing the cottage was:

Rustic. 

If you have ever rented a place on the Cape, there is a common aspect to most rentals: the furniture is uniformly uncomfortable. 
Anyone who owns a place at the Cape, it seems,  sends all the family's unwanted, old, broken, stained, ratty looking -  chairs, sofas, beds and bookcases to the Cape place.  They don't want to have "nice" things that the renters might cause harm to, so they opt for the "quaint" look.  They call them antiques but I call them old, rickety and ratty. 
This place was no exception.  The kitchen was last updated about the time when electricity was invented.    The bathroom had three doors, which you had to lock to keep others from walking in on you.  Then you had to remember to unlock all of them or someone would yell at you.  It boasted three very small "bedrooms" with lumpy twin sized beds. None of the beds was acceptable unless you like sleeping on 30 year old mattresses and the bedspreads looked like havens for bedbugs and sand fleas.  I started scratching just looking at them.  They proved to be as uncomfortable as they looked, and I had the stiff back to prove it in the morning. 

The good part was the beach and the views.  The beach in East Sandwich is long and straight - what I call a good "walking beach" - which you don't usually find on the upper Cape.  The fine white sands were piled up into dunes so you had to walk down a steep path to get to the beach (and back up also).  According to some of the local inhabitants the beach which was fairly rocky near the waterline had been stripped of about two feet of sand by the storm and there was a fair amount of seaweed debris in the water.  Still, the refreshing wind was blowing gently and across the bay you could see a landmass, probably Provincetown.

At night the sky was clear and full of stars.  Looking down the beach there were groups of people who had started bonfires and who were probably roasting S'mores.  Periodically someone would shoot off a roman candle or bottle rocket.  Celebrating one of the last weekends of summer, no doubt.

We went for dinner at a place called Hemisphere.  It had a nice view of the canal and Cape Cod Bay.  Probably a good place to go for a drink on the deck.  My Cape Cod Red Ale was tasty.  But the service was slow - despite the fact that it was an not crowded -- and the food was not great.  My Swordfish was so dry I needed a knife to cut it (instead of a fork), the fried clams were overcooked, greasy and tasteless.  The only thing we all liked: fried onion strings.  I won't be going back there.  My advice: you shouldn't either.
The next day we had a delightful lunch at a place called Cafe Chew on 6A.  Huge freshly made sandwiches are generous enough to be split for adults and they have a kids menu. Highly recommended.  Note: they serve breakfast until 11:30 then lunch until 3pm. Not open for dinner.

 We were amazed that anyone would spend $2,000 to rent an uncomfortable, small, long-in-the-tooth shack for a week just because it is right on the beach. (And, it would be unseemly to make rude comments about it on one's blog, having spent a free night there.) 
But, we ended-up having a nice time.  Coctails helped.

Weather Fearcasts

Ok, Ok, I get it.  There is a big storm coming our way.  Hurricane Irene.  Perhaps the mother of all storms, landing thud right on my vegetable garden just when I've managed to pick a few decent home grown tomatoes. 
What's that you say? It hasn't even hit the US mainland yet.   It could fizzle.  Nice try, Mr Calm.  Take your skepticism down the hall.  This time the sky IS falling!...this time it's gonna be a trillion dollar disaster!  The New York City subways and Tunnels will be flooded because of an 8 foot tidal surge.  Boston will be inundated with 5 or 10 inches of rain.  Your basement will have at least 7 inches of water just like March of 2010.  This will be the second "hundred-year" event in three years!

The forecasters and news readers have become gleeful fearmongers.  They are running out of scary scenarios. In panic, property owners are rushing to batten-down hatches, or pulling  their boats from the water, and vacationers are checking-out early so they will not be stuck when the big winds begin to blow.   The supermarkets are doing a brisk business selling drinking water and batteries.  Liquor stores are selling out of scotch and gin.  People are scared.  For once in my life, I do not feel envy for people with beachfront property and a nice cabin cruiser tied -up at the marina.

It's been a classic Man vs Nature month so far.  A Richter 5.9 earthquake hit Virginia last week, and the tremors were apparently felt by some locals here in Boston metro west.  Obviously not folks like us who live within a few blocks of the RR tracks.  We get  the equivalent of  5.9 temblors every time a freight train goes by -- and often accompanied by a piercing blast from their high decibel horns as a lagniappe. 

President Obama has been vacationing on Martha's Vineyard, and was playing golf when the ground shook. Reportedly, he blamed the quake for a missed putt.

I have been fighting my own personal war against nature, in my losing effort to harvest ripe tomatoes.  My foes, the chipmunks and squirrels have been winning, despite heavy losses ( at least 12 casualties verified) on their side, thanks to my knuckle-breaker rat traps.  I bait them with pieces of tomato so the only rodents I have slain were tomato eaters.  The squirrels have been repelled by shiny CD's hung on fishing line.  They catch the light and turn in the slightest breeze, which spooks the squirrels, and i have not seen one near the vines.     In recent weeks, the traps have begun to loosen the chipmunks' stronghold on my garden. I have managed to pick a few ripe ones -- and our salads are to die for.  I have offered amnesty to all non tomato eating chipmunks.  Victory will soon be ours!  (That is, unless Irene wrecks everything.)

Stay tuned.

UPDATE:  Aug 28th
Irene where is thy sting?
Looks like I am not the only one to think the hype was overdone 
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/08/28/hurricane-irene-hype-how-the-media-went-overboard.html

Verizon is Not Totally Dysfunctional

I acknowledge that most most of my previous posts about Verizon have been to complain. In the interests of fairness I need to mention that there is one thing Verizon does that is pretty good.  If you need to upgrade your FIOS set top box, they are amazing.  A few months ago, we decided to upgrade our hi-def box to a DVR.  I went online, and despite their clunky website, I was able to order a DVR box.  They said it might take two weeks for the new unit to arrive.

Installs like butter

Surprise, it came two days later.  I followed the simple instructions to hook it up and voila it worked! It took less than ten minutes. Smooth, like butter!  The old unit goes into the same shipping box for return.  They give you a return shipping label.  You take it down to the UPS store, ans as you place the box on the counter you wonder if it is going to be  hassle, but the guy says "Ok you're done. I do a hundred of these a week. Have a nice day."

Kudos to the person(s) who designed that process.    The DVR works very well too, especially now that we can fast-forward through all the comercials.  Now, we can record a half hour show and watch it later in 15 minutes.  I like that.  The DVR interface is a bit clunky, but like using your GPS or Cell Phone messaging,  you eventually get the hang of it.

Last week I replaced the 15 year old GE 25" TV with a new Panasonic 32" flat screen.  (Costco, $319 tax free).  It was time to replace the old Low-Def set top box.  I went online, muddled my way through their clunky interface, and finally managed to order the upgrade.  Two days later the new box arrived.  This time the set-up took twenty minutes because I had to use what they call manual activation, meaning I entered a code that they had sent me and then  waited twenty minutes while the main office programmed the box remotely.  No hassle on my part.  Today I will take the old box back to the UPS store.  Mission Accomplished!

So there you have it.  Verizon is not Totally dysfunctional after all.  So never let it be said that I am not fair and balanced, (even though I think their website is clunky :-)

Unpopular Verdicts: Bad Juries or Bad Evidence?

Normally, the news story that captures our attention is the case of the innocent defendent who was wrongly convicted of crimes because of bad evidence or mistaken identity.  After umpteen years behind bars the condemned prisoner is set free, after new evidence is uncovered that controverts the trial evidence.  This has become commonplace thanks to advancements  in DNA analysis.   We try not to think about these cases when we trumpet the superiority of the American Justice System. 

Lately, there seems to be a common thread in recent high-profile cases where the acquittal verdict was egregiously wrong in the opinion of many armchair analysts and talk show bloviators.  The acquittal of Casey Anthony after her recent trial created a furor that has not been seen since the OJ Simpson murder trial in 1995.  Anthony, who has gone into hiding because of death threats, has been called "the most hated woman in America" since everyone thinks she got away with the murder of her daughter, Caylee.

If you followed the trial, you probably came to the same conclusion the rest of us did: Guilty!  The evidence was clear: The mother of the missing child never reported the child missing, and in fact was having a high old time, getting tattoos, competing in wet tee shirt contests, and generally acting with callous disregard for the fact that her baby was gone.  This was enough to convict her in the court of general opinion. But the verdict was Not Guilty on all counts.  Not reporting a missing child does not happen to be against the law.

In Boston last week another locally infamous case ended badly.  The defendant was Albert Arroyo, a former fireman who had claimed disability exemption from his job as fire inspector (not a physically demanding job) because of back pain due to an alleged on-the-job injury.  This same guy was simultaneously working-out with weights on a daily basis and was even competing in body-building contests.  The Boston Globe broke the story last year and published pictures of a distinctly well-muscled guy posing for photos. Clearly a case of fraud.  He lawyered-up. The fire department fired him when he refused to come back to work.  Then the feds decided to charge him with mail fraud.  

When the jury came back with a shocking acquittal, everyone was outraged.  How could these dumb jurors not see that he was as guilty as the nose on your face, they shouted.  Local Radio talk show bloviators dragged-out the old cases and questioned whether our system of justice works  when jurors did not have a clue. 

But when you consider the facts of the case, the real problem was that the jurors took their instructions seriously.  They matched the evidence against the charges and found that the proof was lacking.
This did not mean that they thought Casey Anthony or Arroyo were innocent.  In both cases, several of the jurors who were interviewed later said that they thought the defendant was guilty of a crime, but the prosecutors did not prove that the defendant was guilty of the specific charges.  They didn't prove mail fraud, which was the charge in the Arroyo case.  They couldn't prove murder in the Casey Anthony trial.

This doesn't indict the jury system, nor does it point to bad juries.  I think it points to flawed work by the  prosecution lawyers and investigators. In their haste to get favorable publicity, perhaps prosecutors rush to trial without a convincing case.  I don't really know the answer, but the point is that we, the public, should withhold our judgement in cases like this and not "punish the messenger" for an unpopular verdict. 

Verizon vs Customers

The thing you need to know about Verizon is that it is not a big company, rather a bunch of smaller quasi-integrated companies.  I say quasi-integrated because they do not seem to talk to each other.  It is almost like a governmental agency in that it is difficult to communicate with and often dysfunctional.  Verizon's three main arms Phone, Internet and TV pretend to be a single company, but any time you need to do something you bump into the reality that they are islands with very flimsy bridges between them.  The website is maddeningly slow and unintuitive.  Go ahead and try to get your cellphone pictures downoaded to your PC -- you will see what I mean. 

Hmm, you say, A communications company that does not know how to communicate with its customers?  How can this be?  As an analogy, just think of the federal/state government.  They are always talking about "what the people want,"  but in fact the pols and their minions  that work in those organizations have little concern for their constuituents except during an election year.  They see the continuence their office as the raison d'etre of their activities, at the expense of ethical concerns for public needs.  This is how companies behave when they have a virtual captive market. 

I am not taking sides in the current labor dispute between the union and the company's management.  I hate both sides.  I hate the management because they have the clunkiest, least customer-friendly internet presence of any company I have the misfortune to deal with.  If you call them for help there are no human beings in any process that takes less than 30 minutes.  If you stay on the line and work your way through a bewildering array of autmated attendant menues you can finally talk to a person.  Who has the time or patience for that!
Why can't they get some decent web designers in to fix their unusable 1990's designed web pages?

I hate the union too, because they are willing to throw the innocent customers like you and me under the bus because they cannot settle the contract with management.  They are willing  to hold you and me  hostage to their demands for heavily subsidized health care, job protection for incompetent union members, and other benefits.  Why should we -- who pay our own health care costs and have no benefits - be sympathetic with a bunch of pampered union members, looking for more free stuff? 

Strike?  If I were Emperor, I would just find some people who wanted those jobs at the current wages and benefits.  I think there are a lot of them.

So a pox on all of them. 

That Old Cape Magic

We are winding-down a nice week on the Cape.  We've had company most of the time, but have had plenty of time to relax, read, fish,eat,drink and swim.  The rental house is on Crooked Pond in Falmouth.  The pond is too small for motor craft, but nice for swimming and there are good sized fish lurking on the shadows at dusk.

We were not worrying about the debt crisis or the wars.  We mainly worried about the next meal and whether there was enough beer in the fridge.  We did not worry about the cats.  Our cat feeder is a professional. 

My 6 year old grandson landed his first fish, a 14 inch bass, and was pretty excited about it. Actually, we were all pretty excited about it.  We all hooked fish, but there were some monsters that got away, honest. 


Today is a typical cloudy day at the Cape - hazy, warm,muggy.  We had clam chowder for lunch at the Silver Lounge on rt 28A.




 

No complaints though, there is something kinda magical about being here.

In Response to Fan's Requests

I recently received a suggestion from a loyal fan that I should re-name the blog, since I am no longer obsessed with making rude (but pithy) comments about companies where I have worked, clueless managers, backbiting co-workers and incompetent subordinates. Not to mention bad software and evil marketers. 

Trying out a new title - keeping same URL - how do you like it?

leave a comment

Bumps in the Vocabulary

Now my regular fans know well that I am not a word snob.  I'm pretty laissez faire about the evolution of language, generally.  I think the most useful grammatical rules of English should be followed, at least in printed form. Most people use the correct tense of the verb, and we usually align the proper pronoun with the singular or plural form.  I'm not nitpicky about ending a sentence with a preposition,  or when it is proper to use whom.

In the library the other day a I saw a sign on a carts of books, "Everything on this cart 50 cents."  I was tempted to take everything on the cart and plunk down my half a buck , but I didn't want anything and I value my time too much to do it just to make a point, so I just scrawled the word "each" at the end of the sign. And perhaps un-necessarily replaced "Everything" with "Anything."

One sticky area is the increasing use of "they" instead of "his" or "her" as in: if anyone wants to join the club they should send in their application right away.  
This is much less awkward that the correct grammatical usage and therefor I approve.

One rather jarring term used in popular media is "Baby Bump" to describe the abdomen of a pregnant celebrity.  This just sounds wrong, crude and if I may be judgmental ignorant.  I would rather use the ancient terms to describe pregnancy than to read and hear about baby mamas and baby bumps.

Another really annoying trend is the proliferation of the word Grab.  Twice recently, I found the word grating on my ears.  Once when the waitress asked if she could grab somethings.  Can I grab you something to drink?  No, just go and get us a coupla martini's honey. Or,  maybe why don't you just grab this!

Perhaps this annoyance like so many other catch phrases was started by the slogan "Grab some Buds."
Which is mainly offensive in the suggestion that one would drink such insipid beer, but also suggests that one should get fist fulls of Buds and get sloshed.  Lord knows where the grabbing could lead...some one could end up with a bump in the oven.  Just sayin'

The Problem With Online Product Reviews

I got this rejection trying to post my review on the Lowes website:

"Your opinion on 24-1/2" Cognac Weston Bath Vanity with Top is important to us and the Lowes.com community.  Unfortunately, we cannot post your review because it contains one or more of the following types of unsuitable content:


Critical comments not related to the product being reviewed
Obscenities, discriminatory language or other language not suitable for a public forum
Advertisements, spam content or references to other products, promotions or competitor websites
Email addresses, URLs, phone numbers, physical addresses or other forms of contact information
We encourage you to resubmit your review after reading through our guidelines. Thank you for being an active member of the Lowes.com community.
Sincerely,


The Lowes.com Team"

My Rejected comments:
When the plumbers opened the carton, the bottom section of the vanity literally fell apart on the lawn. The cheap staples that had been used to fasten the sides and back had become loose during shipping and the fall-apart-icle boards lay in a jumble in the grass.

The plumbers had already attached the faucet to the vanity top, and it would have meant yet another delay and install appointment, so I decided not to return it. Using wood support blocks and real nails they managed to reconstruct the vanity so it would be useful.

The box says "assembled in the USA" If that is true, we should be ashamed. It is no wonder then that the 3rd world is kicking our butts for quality manufacturing.
I am appalled that Lowe's would offer a product of such flimsy and poor construction at any price.
Needless to say, I will be shopping elsewhere for fixtures for my downstairs bathroom project.


So much for trusting online product reviews.  They will not publish THE TRUTH!

Upstairs Bathroom Project

We decided that the bathrooms needed upating.  Since we cherish peace and quiet and are constrained by a very modest fixed income, we are not in the mood for a noisy expensive renovation, involving hammers and chisels, dust, banging and sawing, plus weeks of not having working facilities.  So, we have elected to do a minimalist project.

The old large wall mirror and an ugly medicine cabinet were removed with the aid of my friend,  DMc, who also  installed new drywall and plastered the hole like a pro.  I spent the remainder of last week scraping and patching, sanding  the walls and ceiling, and painting.  The part that DMc did looks smooth and straight, the sections that I did still look like a painted over moonscape. 

New floor tile will be laid over old tile, and the wall tile will be painted by what they call electrostatic method.
Makes old wall tile look like new, according to the brochure. 

9:10am  Project has started off well.  Plumber came on time. He is removing the old toilet and vanity from upstairs.  These will be replaced by new fixtures next week.  Since the new tile is going over old tile he needs to raise the flange by 1/2" (whatever that means).  

9:25am  Tile guy, Paul,  arrives.  Starts setting-up his saw and stuff. 

10:10am  Plumber leaves.  He promises to come back next week July 5th to install new fixtures.  Time to go to Lowe's and get the new toilet.

The Reason To Care When Sleazy Pols' Private Lives Become Public

WASHINGTON -- Andrew Breitbart says he is "not a fan" of Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) for the same reason he doesn't like ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner: Both led sleazy secret lives that could have compromised the public trust.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/20/andrew-breitbart-david-vitter-weiner_n_880868.html

I think Mr.Breitbart has made an excellent point; he condemns political sleaziness by any public figure regardless of party affiliation because it opens the figure to the risk of blackmail. 

 Conservatives who call themselves patriots, despite personally being draft dodgers and tax evaders, hypocritically condemn only the liberals when they get caught.

Likewise, those who (like me) gave liberals like Clinton and Frank a pass for their dalliences, were wrong.   These could have developed into dangerous or harmful  blackmail situations, compromising the security and trust of the people.

"We Got Him"

I'm glad that they finally caught Whitey Bulger.  Now, maybe I can go out on the beach wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap without being followed by FBI agents or AMW viewers looking for the reward.

I kinda think it would have saved the taxpayers some money if they had just sent in the Navy Seals to capture, kill and bury him at sea.  Also there would have been some sense of justice to know that he sleeps with the fishes.

On Second Thought

Update: 

 I just had a visit from the good daughter -- the one that did not move 2000 miles away with 2 of our grandkids. 

She brought me a fathers day gift of a bottle of 12 year old Maccallan single malt scotch. 
Perhaps I was wrong about the no gift policy. 

Fathers Day Thoughts

Research shows that 90% of all fathers were not thinking about children at the time of conception.
This is a salient fact to remember when your sullen adolescent whines about how awful life is, "I didn't ask to be born."

The perfect squelch, "Hey, I know what you mean, I didn't want kids either, to tell you the truth, I was just there for the sex." 


I am not a big fan of Hallmark Holidays.  I don't want gifts and cute cards.  Justy be nice to me all year round. 

Shocking Headlines but no News.

The juicy topic on all the talk shows these days is Andrew Weiner's weiner.  It permeates every discussion at the bar, in line at Starbucks, and, probably, church suppers as well.  (Some think it is an Obama  conspiracy to get the public's mind off of the awful economic outlook.)    Comedians are having a field day. 

Last week, it was the big shot International Monetary Fund guy,  Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who had his political career wrecked because a hotel maid has accused him of of sexual assault.  A while back it was Eliot Spitzer's horniness that became newspaper fodder. 

The list of powerful men who seem to be thinking with the wrong head is long and tedious. This does not seem to happen when women are in powerful roles, or perhaps they are just more circumspect.

People seem to be shocked and offended that a high profile politician would be so idiotic as to let his sexual escapades become so public. 

 But I have to ask, "Is this really News?"

The other question is: Who is next?

D-Day Thoughts

 A few years ago, as part of our trip to France, we visited Normandy, where the allies landed 150,000 troops on this day in 1944.   9,000 Americans were slaughtered or wounded on the beaches by the entrenched Germans.  But this hard fought victory was the beginning of  the liberation of Western Europe from German occupying forces.

Standing at the cemetery where so many men were buried under stone white crosses (or stars of David), it was one of those "Holy Cow" moments when you suddenly realize the enormity of the casualties and the sacrifice of so many brave young men.

In 2007, the area around the bunkers up on the cliffs was open to tourists.  Walking around, I was amazed at the elaborate fortifications that have survived.  When I asked one of the guides how the Germans had been able to construct such defenses, he reminded me that they had been an occupying force for over four years by June 6, 1944.

Despite my exposure to history classes in school and subsequent reading about the war, I had forgotten that the French had been hopelessly outgunned at the beginning of the conflict and had conceded defeat after only a few weeks of battle in 1940.

I have tried to imagine how I and my fellow citizens would have reacted to an occupying force.  Would we have capitulated in fear to the conquerors or would we take to the hills and forests like the Resistance?
=====================
I am also reminded of the line in the movie, when Tom Hanks exhorts Private Ryan (Mat Damon)  to
"Earn This!" -- to live a life that would be worthy of the sacrifice that so many men gave their lives for.

By their deeds we must measure our own lives.

3rd of June

Funny, I woke up today with this song running through my head


No, peeps, Billy Joel did not jump off the Tappan Zee Bridge.  Please pay attention!

If you consider the lyrics of the song, you are forced to conclude that the mother was the most clueless human being who ever walked the planet. "Child what's happened to your appetite?"

Signs

More signs that the world keeps spinning off kilter:

1.  In Toronto, a couple refuses to reveal the gender of their 4 month old baby.  They feel that such info is "private" until such time as the child is old enough to declare their own gender preference. 
The baby, named "Storm" and referred to by the pronoun "it," did not return our calls.

2. Cognitive dissonance.  The recent rampage of killer storms in places like Oklahoma, Missouri, and Kansas has created terrible destruction, death and injury.  It is always galling when one of the survivors attributes their personal escape from death to "God's grace."   If God was involved at all, didn't he kill a lot of people and animals?  Where was the blessing in that?

3.  When the promised May 21st Rapture did not happen, Harold Camping the nutjob who predicted Armageddon, and who apparently had NOT sold off all his earthly assets, calmly revised the forecast to October 21.  Some people will still believe him, despite every evidence that his reading of the Bible's prophecies is seems flawed.

4.  Coors beer thinks that their customers are so dumb that they need a "cold activation indicator" on the cans and labels of their brew.  Clearly the problem of the ages was that beer guzzlers could not tell when the beer was cold enough to drink.  Perplexed beer hounds roamed the streets of Colorado like zombies chanting "Is my beer cold yet?"

The initial cold indicator has now been supplemented with a Super Cold activation level, which will only turn blue when the can has been in a refrigerator or ice chest.  Whew.  Glad they solved that one!

Pomp and Circumstance

I grew up in Watertown, MA and  I write a somewhat weekly column for the local Patch.com called Hometown Connections. 

One of the recent Patch news stories caught my attention: Watertown High School's graduation will be held On June 3,in the gymnasium this year because Victory Field is not available due to the renovation project.

The story  brought back memories of my own high school graduation at Victory field in 1960.

Folding chairs for the graduates were set-out on the football field, facing the temporary stage/podium. Parents and family members sat in the football stands. It was one of those warm June days. The sun was still high in the clear western sky. The air of excitement and anticipation was like an electric current running through the 360 graduates.......

Read more,  click here:   http://watertown.patch.com/articles/graduation-flashback




image ©2007 Academic Church and Choir Gown Mfg. Co., Inc



Signs of Madness III

 One enterprising pagan appeals to gullible guilt-ridden Christians who can't take their pets with them when the next Rapture comes.  See the ad http://www.aftertherapturepetcare.com/

More Signs of Madness

I happen to think Sarah Silverman is funny, but I must protest the judgement of FOX to invite her to the announcer's booth.  I was watching the game when Buck and the other guy forgot about the game and let her lamely complain that the Red Sox won too many games.  She preferred them when they were losers.  It was inane and inappropriate.  I found myself wishing Dennis Eckersley -who is awful - was there instead, talking about cheese.
If you missed it, click here:  "Sarah Silverman popped into the Fox booth to chat with Joe Buck during the 4th inning of Saturday night's Red Sox vs. Yankees game, and it quickly got weird"

Signs That The World Has Gone Mad

1. Judiciary Republicans kill bill blocking gun sales to suspected terrorists.  Check this out http://thehill.com/homenews/house/161037-judiciary-republicans-kill-bill-blocking-gun-sales-to-suspected-terrorists  - Reps. James Sensenbrenner Jr. (Wis.) and Louie Gohmert (Texas) — argued that restricting [handgun] sales to people on the FBI Terrorist watch list would violate the Second Amendment rights of those placed on the list by mistake.


2. Ashton Kutcher to replace Charley Sheen on 2.5 Men.  Why would anyone watch Ashton Kutcher?
Dude Where's my barfbag?

3.Mitt Romney hates Obamacare but still defends Romneycare.

4. Newt Gingrich, Donald Trump, Ron Paul.  Ha ha hah ah ha

5.  NATO support for rebels in Lybia.  WTF does NATO stand for?  (If you guessed "selectively helping some rebels overcome a regime we don't like" you are incorrect.)


Shall I go on?

Navy Seals We Salute You

Yes we salute the good guys who ended Osama's reign with a double tap.  Now he sleeps with the fishes.
One could only have wished that they could have vidotaped him in a suicide vest to see how he liked it when some one hit the button.

Word has it that there was a typo and I hope he is happy with 72 vegans.

If I Were Emperor

I know that I promised to avoid talking  politics here, and to leave the opinionating to more bombastic blatherers, like my friend George ... But lately, the news has been so crazy that I cannot sit idely quiet on the sidelines anymore. 
The country is surely going down the tubes when one conceivable scenario for 2012 election  pits the incumbent mediocre-at-best President against a shallow self-promoting real estate billionaire who has never won an elective office. I think we need an alternative.  Which is why I am running to be elected as Your Emperor.

Under my regime:

No Air Traffic Controllers would fall asleep. Anyone caught asleep would be terminated immediately and charged with attempted murder.  Their Immediate supervisor would also be terminated, and that person's manager would be required to prove that they had done everything in their power to avoid fatigue among workers.


Piracy on the seas would be stopped.  Troops would be removed from Iraq and sent to occupy Somalia. They would capture and kill suspected pirates, free hostages and sink all watercraft associated with piracy.  Pirate leaders would be beheaded and buried with the carcass of a pig.

Healthcare would be simple.  All current laws will be abolished and the federal role in healthcare would be reduced to 15 pages of  12 point double spaced text.  

All Government benefits would be means tested.  Medicare, social security, free cheese. 

All prisons would be "hard time."  No TV, no Gym, no visitors, no access to phone or computer, no cigarettes, nothing but hard work, isolation, regret for one's crimes. Parole would be abolished.  Government officials found guilty of corruption would get double sentences. Sentences could only be commuted by public referrendum held in the relevant community.

Illegal immigration will be stopped. Every citizen will be required to carry a photo ID card, which must be presented every time they vote, cash a check, go to a doctor, use a pay toilet, enter a casino, etc.   Every citizen in the country will be fingerprinted and dna sample taken when their ID card is issued. 

Current federal tax code would be abolished and replaced with a no-loopholes 15% flat tax on all wages, dividends, gains, or other form of income.  Exception: Government benefits would not be taxed, because that is just plain silly.

All subsidies would be abolished.  Any industry that cannot fund itself, has no business being in business.

99% of troops deployed to Europe. Asia, Middle East and worldwide will be withdrawn in an orderly manner.  Former military bases and equipment will be sold to the host countries.  Troops will be redeployed to restore control of our inner cities, eliminate illegal gang and mob activities.  Also, troops will be deployed at critical borders and seaports to quell attempts to smuggle drugs or people or to create havoc among us. 

99% of  all foreign aid will be withdrawn over a 3 year period.  Immediately no US aid would be spent on military hardware.

This would just be for starters. 
I am not like those other politicians.  Elect me Emperor and I will fix everything. 
Honestly.