Staying Out of Jail

Years ago, when I was a smart-assed teenager, barely getting passing grades in High School, smoking half a pack of Winstons a day and hanging out with what my parents thought was a "bad crowd", my father - during one of those vocational father and son chats - once articulated that he would be happy if I would just be able to stay out of prison. Now, I am well into my sixth decade, and I am pleased to report that Dad would be proud of me - on that score at least.

But, I have to report that staying out of jail is not as easy as it used to be. A few weeks ago, we got a notice from the local Animal Control Officer (ACO) notifying us of a fine for $50 for not getting our cat in on time for her annual rabies vaccination.

Now, I will admit that we are well aware of the local ordinance which compels all cat owners to keep their pets legally inoculated against rabies. I think it is a good idea, just as I believe that noise ordinances ought to be enforced to keep the racket of incessant building projects limited to daylight hours on weekdays. At the same time I accept that there are occasionally mitigating circumstances which may result in the occasional failure to obey such rules.

For example, we are very willing to bring this cat into the Animal Hospital to get shot up - even at the exorbitant cost of $85. We are committed to the health and welfare of all of our livestock (consisting presently of 2 Siamese cats). The problem here is the lack of cooperation by said cat, who I will call 'Madclaws' to protect her real identity - as she is still a minor having attained a mere 9 years of age*.

Madclaws hates to go to the Vet's. She is smart too, if she even suspects that you want to put her in a cage, she will run away and hide. She knows places in our house where we cannot find her. If you trap her in a small space, she will literally climb the walls to escape your grasp. Then if you should manage to grab her, she will attempt to claw and even bite you (I have a scar to prove it) in her frantic attempts to escape.

In the past, we have been quite traumatised by the experience, and perhaps it is not too inconceivable that we have a tendency to procrastinate when it comes to the annual rabies shot. Madclaws is an inside cat - and always has been inside. Even if offered an open door to go outside, she will run upstairs and hide.

Then a few days ago, an envelope arrived in the mail. Inside was a notice that a criminal complaint had been filed by the ACO for (I shit you not) "an unvaccinated cat." The hearing would be held next month as to why we should not be found guilty of a misdemeanor. Is this the same system that refuses to arrest illegal aliens who are stopped on the highway for driving infractions?

So, when we asked the Vet why the ACO is so anal about the annual inoculation, this is the rationale we were given: "A rabid bat might fly into the house either through an open door or window, or even down the chimney. Said bat might bite a cat, infecting it. In turn, the now rabid cat might bite a human in the house with fatal consequences."

I am not exaggerating. This is what I was told by the Vet with an absolutely straight face. I asked about the statistics on such an unlikely scenario.

I was told that there are approximately 70 human deaths per year in the USA attributed to being bitten by an animal infected with rabies. Unfortunately the stats do not break down to identify how many of the deaths occur ed in homes where the pet was bitten by an intruder bat. And besides, what would keep the rabid bat from biting the human directly rather than going through the cat as a middleman? My questions were viewed as smart-assed, I am sure.
"Why take chances?" I was admonished.
When I wondered aloud how many people were killed each year in auto accidents caused because the driver was distracted by the high decibel yowling of the uncooperative feline in the cage on the back seat, I got a look of disapproval for my dumb questions.

Anyhow, I managed to stay our of jail by pleading the case to my humorless Vet who reluctantly gave me some sedation pills for the cat. I ground the pill into a powder and fed it to the cat mixed in with the morning meal. It worked enough to slow the cat down. I got my heavy gloves out, sneaked up on her while she slept in sedated kitty dreamworld, grabbed her by the nape of the neck and wrestled her into the carrier. The rest was easy. Situation resolved. I made it back to the vet's without crashing the van, and the cat seems no worse for the experience.

So, Dad, wherever you are, you can still be proud. I'm not going to the hoosegow - this time. And we can breathe a sigh of relief that the only Rabies deaths that occure in our home will be from bat bites, not cat bites.


*I do not find it comforting to know that some Siamese cats can live for up to twenty human years.

Cranking it up

I was reading about a new search engine that is available as an alternative to Google and Yahoo. This one is aimed at the 50+ crowd. It's called cranky.com (go ahead and click on it for a sample view.)

Cranky bills itself as the "first age relevent search engine" but it seem more like a devious facade for boomer friendly marketing.

Of the 10 "Most popular" searches, I checked out the piece labeled "working after retirement" and got an article from a 1999 issue of Business Week. (Gee! That was valuable.) The "Work At Home" search was filled with offers to sell you advice about how to avoid scams. How cynical can you get?

One of the most common work-at-home schemes/scams is Envelope Stuffing.
These scams usually incorporate a "registration fee" which must be paid before work begins. Once this fee has been paid, the "employee" is asked to post an ad -- often the exact same ad that the "employee" responded to -- using his or her own contact info. Once the "employee" receives a response to their ad, he or she will stuff an envelope with information/instructions on how to get started and mail it to the new applicant. The victim is "paid" based on the number of responses/registration fees received from the ad she placed. It's just a variation of a chain-letter concept.

Anyway, I was not terribly impressed by Crankydotcom. But it gives me an idea for other audience-relevent search engines:

1) Catpoop.net - "An online meeting place where cat owners can gather to discuss litter box habits of their furry friends."

2) Ifwedidit.com - "Accused murderers and rapists need a community to share the pains and joys of indictment and possible incarceration."

3) Coloradoblizzard.org - "a blackberry network where stranded homeowners can exchange anguished thoughts with stranded travelers who are stuck at the local airport.

4)Dontmakemeshootyou.net - "a search engine that gives the home address and photo of anyone who sends you a pop-up ad, so you can hunt them down and slay them."

These are just a few that come to mind. I'm sure you can think of others.

Not Finished Yet

Today, the Careerbuilder website cites a study that predicts the creation of 1.5 million new jobs in 2007.

You are probably thinking, "This is just blog fodder. Why do you give a crap? We thought you were retired, anyhow."

Well, faithful reader, I need to remind you that this forum has always interested itself in the world of employment and the meaning of work in our lives. So I do give a "crap" - as you put it so indelicately. Besides, I have never declared myself to be "retired". I just said I was "on a sabbatical" or "Not currently Employed" (NCE).

I don't like the sound of the word "retired." It sounds so old-guyish, so end-of-the-line, so out-of-the-game. When you see an old guy walking down the steet during a weekday morning, you can usually tell the retired guys from the ones who are on vacation. Retired guys don't shower and shave every day. They tend to wear dark colors, old un-ironed sweatshirts, or gray chinos, and maybe a baseball cap. They probably need a haircut. They shamble grimly toward their destination (odds are, it's the Quickimart to buy a paper and a lottery scratch ticket.) They seldom make eye contact with others.

Old guys on vacation are usually clean shaven, appear to shower with regularity and are typically dressed in newer, brighter colored clothes. They are often smiling and appear to be interested in everything around them.

So, that is why the Careerbuilder piece caught my eye. I was interested to see that there will be more work opportunities. Granted, the chance that one of these new gigs might meet my stringent requirements is remote, but still, the odds have improved ever so slightly.

So, yes, I am still in the marketplace for a job. The other day in the paper there was an article about Sheraton's search for a National Beer Officer. The person would be responsible for tasting and ensuring quality at the bars in Sheraton hotels, and going to Octoberfest. Despite the fact that it was a nonpaying position they had about 5,000 applicants from thirteen countries. Including mine.

I can hear you thinking, "Wait, I thought that you were abstaining from alcoholic beverages." Ok, that is technically true. But I have continued to be a fan of beer. And I would consider an exception if selected for this position - a lifetime dream job if there ever was one.

More than likely, if I go back to work, it will be in one of those humdrum jobs doing database conversions and snoozing through monthly staff meetings.

A note on the blog: to those of you who still check it, I have resolved to be a better blogger this year. I plan to visit here regularly, you should too.