Not April Fools

I hope you aren't expecting some lamo April Fool's joke entry today. Honestly, I think I'm getting too old and cranky for that sort of silliness. Too bad, I used to be a sketch.

We have returned from our glorious Hawaiian adventures. I always wanted to be one of those guys who you see in the airport at the arrival gate sporting a deep tan, wearing an Aloha shirt, shorts and sandals and a woven straw hat. But, noting the fact that I am still exceptionally pale, I decided that a travel ensemble of real shoes, socks, long pants and a muted colored shirt would look less goofy. I managed to elude autograph hounds and paparazzi.

Even with on-line check-in, it requires at least 15-20 hours of your life - waiting in the baggage check line, the security check line, at the departure gate, the line to get your seat, sitting while everyone boards, waiting for take-off, and then sitting cramped like a sardine for the 5 hour trip to LAX, then the waiting during the layover before boarding the crowded cramped 6 hour flight to Boston.

Everything about flying in coach is beyond suck. The airlines could care less if you are comfortable, or even happy. If you don't like it, maybe you should upgrade next time. If not, then tough darts. Someone else will be glad to take your place If you don't buy that cramped little seat with the blaring loudspeaker overhead and the reading light that doesn't work, and neither does the tray table...if fact the only thing that seems to work is the guy in front of you can recline his seat back to where you can stare at his bald spot...which you can see much better than the jumpy video of the in-flight movie - a remake of Bambi with claymation figures.

I'll bet none of those highly paid Airline execs has ever sat in coach on a four hour flight. Clearly, everything on the airplane is designed for people who are only 4 feet tall. No one could seriously expect real adults to fit in those tiny bathrooms. Every time you begin to dose off, some inane sadist interrupts you with a dumb message about some notable point of interest down on the ground which only a few people who are at the window seats on one side of the aircraft can see anyway.

What? You want food? Get your own! Earphones - Bring your own! Fresh air? Ha ha ha. They laugh at you.

It is hell, I tell you. Roasting for eternity in a fiery pit cannot be less pleasant than riding in coach in a modern aircraft. Except real Hell is forever, instead of only 15-20 hours.

Please do not tell me to "...just get over it, it is the price you have to pay to get somewhere." I say it is inhuman treatment and there ought to be a law against it.

Aside from the lack of bon in the voyage, we had a great vacation. More about which soon.