This week I had a gig as a Freelance Lab Monkey. Some researchers over at McLean Hospital ( the high-end nut house where James Taylor woke up one morning and found out Suzanne was gone) are studying a group of volunteers to see what role heredity plays in obesity and eating disorders. They were paying $200 for a 2 hour interview and test. Hell I never was much good at math but that's like $100 per hour. Not bad wages for an unemployed fat guy.
They wanted to know if I was fat just because I ate too much, or was I a binge eater who had uncontrollable feelings around food. I admitted that there were two foods I am 'out of control' around: Beer and Bacon. This was not what they are looking for. They want psychos who unconsciously eat a whole box of cookies or an entire gallon of ice cream, and then feel bad about it.
I rarely feel bad about my gluttony. I am not responsible, since I probably inherited some gene from my ancestors, all of whom were fat. The Irish gene that evolved as a response to the famines, no doubt. Hey, don't laugh. Next time the terrorists destroy the power grid and the world goes crazy, you skinny bastards will be dropping like flies, and I'll just live off stored fat, and getting buff in the bargain.
The researcher shrink who interviewed me seemed a bit disappointed that I was not able to report more trauma and angst in my life. (eg, most morbid fear: running out of bacon). I guess people with heavy duty psychosis tend to eat a lot. I admit to having a modest closet full of my own idiosynchronies, mind you - but I am clearly minor league, compared to the issues of the true manic overeaters. They also will also interview my siblings, each of whom will receive $200 also. My brother was delighted. He said "Hell, I'd pay two hundred just to get someone listen to me talk for two hours."
Next week I have another freelance opportunity - to record burps for a novelty recording studio in Medford. Maybe I'll stop by the new Krispy Kreme donut shop while I am in the area.
The employment scene is looking pretty good!
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