My War

Sunday morning at 6:30am. Judy went out to get the paper and found herself face to face with a pair of live deer. It was a doe and her nursing fawn. They were standing brazenly on the neighbor's lawn. She looked the deer in the eye and saw no fear. With our daughter who is imminently ready to give birth to our third grandson, Judy saw this as a favorable sign.

I think it is a sign that there is too much wildlife in the neighborhood.

All summer long I have been at war with the local varmints. We have daily visits from rabbits, raccoons, skunks. A vast variety of birds visit the area. Crows, cardinals, blue jays and doves make a constant racket, and occasionally I can hear the distinctive calls from redheaded woodpeckers and a pair of red tailed hawks (making lazy circles in the air) hunting for prey.

The ubiquitous and constant residents of my private property are the squirrels and chipmunks - whose population seems to have exploded this year. The birds and skunks do not cause any real harm. I chased some raccoons out of the garage one night. They had gained entry through an open door and were noisily foraging in the garbage cans. They have not been a problem since then.

My garden has been assaulted by varmint intruders unmercifully. Early in the season I found that the tops of half of my tomato plants had been nibbled at by a tall animal that left cloven hoofprints in the humus. (Whether you believe it was a visit from the Prince of Darkness or just a hungry whitetail deer, who would have expected that any of the suspects like to eat tomato plants??) The rabbits like to eat the freshly emerged marigold flowers. (Too bad they don't do me a favor by deadheading the blossoms that have gone by.)

The worst insurgent attacks are perpetrated by the squirrels and chipmunks. I have cultivated tomato plants for many years. In recent years I have experienced some minor interest in these plants by rodents. Up until this year, the chief problem was squirrels going after the ripe tomatoes on the vine. I was able to protect my harvest by picking the tomatoes just as the blush was coming upon them, and letting them ripen indoors.

This year, the squirrels have proliferated in geometric fashion (they breed like rabbits, if you ask me.) Apparently there is a lot of competion for food. A few squirrels have found my garden full of cukes and tomatoes to be easy picking. They take the low hanging fruits, but they do not stop there. I have actually witnessed squirrels climbing up my tomato stakes to get at higher fruit. And they do not wait. They pick them at Ping pong ball size and run across the yard with their prize. ) In the beginning I assumed that they take them back to the nest and wait for them to ripen. But lately I have seen half-eaten greenies on the ground.

In my rage, I have fought back. I bought rat traps and baited them with tomato pieces. So far the tally is four chipmunks and one squirrel. This has not even put a dent in the population that inhabits this area. I have stopped putting-out the traps because I worry about hurting the few (welcome) outside cats that also live in the neighborhood. The squirrels are too quick and escape the traps, anyway. (One night a young skunk blundered into a trap and stank-up the neighborhood).

I am losing this war. I am outnumbered and outgunned. The only way to keep the gardens safe is to be outside. They stay away when they see me. But, when I go in for my afternoon nap, the rodents swarm back to feast on my produce. They don't seem to like cucumbers, they just take a few small bites out of each one.

Fortunately, the ban on assault rifles has expired. Maybe a fully loaded AK-47 with a banana clip will prove to be the answer to my prayers....