A lot of fans have been writing to the Hellhole mailbox asking to know how they can identify when their own workplace is a hellhole or how they can identify the signs of an impending hellhole. As usual, I have figured all this stuff out and have devised a nifty test to assist my loyal hellhole readers and others who may crave guidance.
The answers are Multiple Choice
Q: How can you tell that you work at a Hellhole?
1) At Lunch, you say to your coworkers, "This is an interesting project." They look at each other knowingly and start to laugh, like you are the most naïve shit who ever showed up at this fucked-up organization.
2) Within a few weeks of starting work, your boss's boss calls you confidentially to offer you your boss's job. He is looking for a micromanager to be more of a hardass with the other team members; you decline, citing your incompetence as a supervisor, but privately you wonder why he just will not get out of the way and let the guys do their jobs.
3) At meetings, you hear Management types talk about people as if they were lawnmowers. Start em up and start cutting the grass. Cripes, How hard can iot be o develop a working business application on the web?
4) None of the smart babes wear make-up, because they know this intimidates men. (Or maybe they are lesbians. Who can tell?)
5) All the green card contractors call you "Sir." Even though you insist that you are lowly pond scum, just like they are.
6) The commute typically robs between 1 and 2 hours of your day (and life) roundtrip. Not to mention the gas. Plus the costs of automotive fuel. :)
3) The deadline for "go-live" is less than 30 days away and management is occupying important conference room space in heavy-duty meetings devising a project plan.
7) Your management hierarchy becomes very visible as they attend every piddling issue meeting but spend most of the time in the hall on their cell phone just outside of the conference room ensuring that you cannot escape. Their message: How can I help you? Why can't you handle it? Faster,
8) The meetings become so intense that there is not time to take a lunch break, so you have to grab a sandwich and eat it during the meeting and go to the bathroom only if you must.
9) You cannot help thinking about the Challenger Disaster where the only goal for the project team was launch. (The successful return of the crew was another team's responsibility. ) You probably thought that everyone knew this was a bad way to manage projects that could be unstable after they "get off the ground".
10) You start having those Titanic dreams again.
11) All of the above.
Ok Turn in your Blue Books Now
6/30/2005
6/26/2005
Heat Wave
I am beginning to realize why there is so much social unrest in hot climates. The heat and humidity gnaws at your equanimity. After a few days of unremitting 90 degree temperatures during the days and nights of sleep depriving discomfort, the usual insulating layer of patience and understanding is worn away, exposing a raw irritated nub of anger which spews out in all directions. This is why places like Haiti and Iran, Florida and Mexico are dysfunctional - especially in the summer.
I have taken to getting up before 6am and getting all my activities in while the air is still relatively cool. Then like an ant, at mid-day, I withdraw to the coolest corners of the nest to nap or read. I don't write much anymore. In fact if it was not for updates to this blog, my writing output would be nil.
I guess I have given up the fantasy that some day my extraordiary talents would be discovered by some rich editorial syndicate and that I would become the next Andy Rooney or Dave Barry. No, this is not to be. And I am ok with that. Fame is a sharp two-edged sword. I had enough celebrity back in the 90's when I was writing small vignettes for the local newspaper on a regular basis as a "Guest Columnist". People seemed to like my light humorous pieces lampooning the foibles of my fellow citizens. People would stop me in the supermarket to express agreement with a pithy point I had made. They would print almost anything I submitted, virtually un-edited. But when I suggested that I would be more prolific if I was getting Paid, they were decidedly uninterested in such an arrangement. I eventually decided to stop writing for free and went back to work as a systems analyst - which no one would expect you to do and not get charged for your time.
I am less than a week away from my 63rd birthday. ( Please, no presents - I already have pretty much everything I want or need that costs less than $10,000. ) I only mention it because my age has a lot to do with the attenuation of my writing ambitions these days.
My father died when he was age 65. None of his four brothers made it to their 66th year either. So, you can imagine that I have lived most of my life, thinking that men in my family die at around age 65 - except for the ones who got hanged for stealing horses.
Now that I am approaching that age, I am trying hard to revise my fatalistic thinking. Several males of my generation (older cousins) have successfully reached the 70 year mark in relatively good health. ( although full disclosure requires that I mention that cousin Barry suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack at 65 a few years ago.)
All my life, I have had a feeling that I was charmed in some way. You know, I was meant for something big and important. Call it ego or hubris, you are probably right. The point is that I have passed a lot of time (and Gas!) waiting for something to happen. Not making things happen. I always thought that if there was a Creator then he probably had some special purpose for me. Now, after six decades, I have concluded that if there is a Creator then he must like assholes, because he sure made a lot of them.
My goals for the rest of this life is not to be included in that count.
I have taken to getting up before 6am and getting all my activities in while the air is still relatively cool. Then like an ant, at mid-day, I withdraw to the coolest corners of the nest to nap or read. I don't write much anymore. In fact if it was not for updates to this blog, my writing output would be nil.
I guess I have given up the fantasy that some day my extraordiary talents would be discovered by some rich editorial syndicate and that I would become the next Andy Rooney or Dave Barry. No, this is not to be. And I am ok with that. Fame is a sharp two-edged sword. I had enough celebrity back in the 90's when I was writing small vignettes for the local newspaper on a regular basis as a "Guest Columnist". People seemed to like my light humorous pieces lampooning the foibles of my fellow citizens. People would stop me in the supermarket to express agreement with a pithy point I had made. They would print almost anything I submitted, virtually un-edited. But when I suggested that I would be more prolific if I was getting Paid, they were decidedly uninterested in such an arrangement. I eventually decided to stop writing for free and went back to work as a systems analyst - which no one would expect you to do and not get charged for your time.
I am less than a week away from my 63rd birthday. ( Please, no presents - I already have pretty much everything I want or need that costs less than $10,000. ) I only mention it because my age has a lot to do with the attenuation of my writing ambitions these days.
My father died when he was age 65. None of his four brothers made it to their 66th year either. So, you can imagine that I have lived most of my life, thinking that men in my family die at around age 65 - except for the ones who got hanged for stealing horses.
Now that I am approaching that age, I am trying hard to revise my fatalistic thinking. Several males of my generation (older cousins) have successfully reached the 70 year mark in relatively good health. ( although full disclosure requires that I mention that cousin Barry suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack at 65 a few years ago.)
All my life, I have had a feeling that I was charmed in some way. You know, I was meant for something big and important. Call it ego or hubris, you are probably right. The point is that I have passed a lot of time (and Gas!) waiting for something to happen. Not making things happen. I always thought that if there was a Creator then he probably had some special purpose for me. Now, after six decades, I have concluded that if there is a Creator then he must like assholes, because he sure made a lot of them.
My goals for the rest of this life is not to be included in that count.
6/16/2005
The Commute must be getting to me
As I have mentioned - however briefly - the worst thing about going back to a full-time gig is the commute. I am way beyond my comfort zone, driving 20 miles twice a day, It would be OK if I could count on a half-hour or less in traffic. But, it typically takes 45 to 60 minutes. depending on the density of the traffic for me to make the trek home? . It can be maddening.
So I have started passing the time by thinking about important issues:
What would I do if I was diagnosed with ALS?
What if I won $200 Million in the megabucks lottery.
What ever happened to Gary Larson - the Far side guy?
Tonight as I was dirving home I started wondering what preceded tha big bang. I mean what was it like? And why did it go Bang? I am unencumbered by a rigorous scientific education, so it is very easy for me to dismiss the Big Bang theory as pure unproven speculation. Scienctific explanatoin has been off-the-mark for most of the entirety of history of science, so we need not fret too much if we find a theory far-fetched. The future will prove current scientific prounouncements the same way we denigrate the superstitions and beliefs of primitive cultures.
So, What os on the other side of the end of the unverse? Huh?
So I have started passing the time by thinking about important issues:
What would I do if I was diagnosed with ALS?
What if I won $200 Million in the megabucks lottery.
What ever happened to Gary Larson - the Far side guy?
Tonight as I was dirving home I started wondering what preceded tha big bang. I mean what was it like? And why did it go Bang? I am unencumbered by a rigorous scientific education, so it is very easy for me to dismiss the Big Bang theory as pure unproven speculation. Scienctific explanatoin has been off-the-mark for most of the entirety of history of science, so we need not fret too much if we find a theory far-fetched. The future will prove current scientific prounouncements the same way we denigrate the superstitions and beliefs of primitive cultures.
So, What os on the other side of the end of the unverse? Huh?
6/12/2005
Lessons
There was an article in the Globe today, purporting to advise people who were contemplating returning to work after a long layoff. Clearly, it was an article written by a journalist, not someone who actually had the experience.
It gave "helpful" suggestions for people who have been on the beach maybe a bit too long - like "Don't wear flip-flops to work" and "You can't burp any time you feel like it anymore" and "Don't nap during staff meetings."
I learned that lesson the hard way, at one of my jobs. The CIO was annoyed with me dropping off during his impassioned quarterly motivational monologue that he moved my name to the top of the deadwood layoff list. It wasn't really fair. I had come into the office uncharacteristically early that morning to test some software modifications; I had not had any coffee yet, and the CIO was mouthing the same old inanitites. Yes, I dozed off.
A polite CIO would have simply let the thing go, but this guy had an ego bigger than Nebraska.
So, when the layoff came, I surfed-out of there on the first wave.
This time I am smarter. Now I am a contractor, so I don't have to go to staff meetings.
These days, the trick to not get caught dozing at my desk. I am working on that. Honestly.
If I was writing a piece about going back to work after a long layoff it would offer some really helpful tips:
1) Do not assume that the person you are talking to knows more than you do, even though you are new and don't know anything about the organization or the application. Many of the people I have been referred to for answers know next to nothing., but are apparently unaware of that fact. I have spent a lot of time chasing the elusive butterfly of fact. And, I might add, getting paid for every fruitless minute of the quest. No one else seems to mind, and I don't either.
2) Do not eat at your desk. This is tempting, since many of the geeks with whom you work do not like to sit in the cafeteria with other human beings and have a conversation about anything other than the multi- dimensional array problem in module 3445a.
They sneak down to the lunchroom and get high carb food from the express line and take it back to their cubes without speaking to anyone. Or, worse, they bring last night's Kung Pow chicken from home in a rubbermade container and heat it in the microwave. They like it that way. But studies show that their is more bacteria on the average programmer's keyboard than on the average toilet seat. (I do not know who did the study, but it is intuitively believable.) Personally, I find the odor of reheated leftovers to be nauseating.
Assuming that you are not a geek, you must flee from the noisome miasma of re-heated Asian and Mongolian cuisine that drifts over cube city at lunch time. You have two choices: Go to the Mall or seek-out and cultivate a group of interesting people to go to lunch with. At the cafeteria, do not sit with anyone who is alone at a big table. Research studies show that people who are eating alone have severe personality disorders, which is why no one sits with them. Don't get sucked in by their apparent friendly and inviting demeanor. They are a sink hole of human sadness. Better to go pretend to go back to your cube (but then take your lunch to your car and eat it in the way to the Mall.)
On this topic, you should also not ask the cross-eyed maintenance guy who has only one tooth, "How's it going?" Or he may deftly block your escape with his push broom and wheeled barrel, while telling you about his recent kidney transplant operation. This actually happened to me one morning. Now I use a different route to get to the coffee area.
3. You should prepare for drive time traffic. Commuting is the bane of an otherwise tolerable job. That painful thirty or forty minutes spent in sluggish, if not stopped, traffic sows the seed of frustration and despair in even the most stalwart among us. Now, I am not a good commuter. I hate traffic, waiting and everything associated with sitting in my car trying to be somewhere at the ungodly hour of 9am. Getting home before 6:30 pm is even worse.
My advise here is to find something to entertain yourself while passing the time. Books on CD or tape, favorite tunes, memorize epic poems, checking yourself for ticks, that sort of thing. Some people knit, or learn to play the harmonica, or practice asking the boss for a raise. (These days, the stigma of apparently talking to yourself in the car has been ameliorated by the existence of mobile phones.)
The other thing that helps me during the heavy traffic nightmare is thinking about the things I can buy - now that I have an income again.
It gave "helpful" suggestions for people who have been on the beach maybe a bit too long - like "Don't wear flip-flops to work" and "You can't burp any time you feel like it anymore" and "Don't nap during staff meetings."
I learned that lesson the hard way, at one of my jobs. The CIO was annoyed with me dropping off during his impassioned quarterly motivational monologue that he moved my name to the top of the deadwood layoff list. It wasn't really fair. I had come into the office uncharacteristically early that morning to test some software modifications; I had not had any coffee yet, and the CIO was mouthing the same old inanitites. Yes, I dozed off.
A polite CIO would have simply let the thing go, but this guy had an ego bigger than Nebraska.
So, when the layoff came, I surfed-out of there on the first wave.
This time I am smarter. Now I am a contractor, so I don't have to go to staff meetings.
These days, the trick to not get caught dozing at my desk. I am working on that. Honestly.
If I was writing a piece about going back to work after a long layoff it would offer some really helpful tips:
1) Do not assume that the person you are talking to knows more than you do, even though you are new and don't know anything about the organization or the application. Many of the people I have been referred to for answers know next to nothing., but are apparently unaware of that fact. I have spent a lot of time chasing the elusive butterfly of fact. And, I might add, getting paid for every fruitless minute of the quest. No one else seems to mind, and I don't either.
2) Do not eat at your desk. This is tempting, since many of the geeks with whom you work do not like to sit in the cafeteria with other human beings and have a conversation about anything other than the multi- dimensional array problem in module 3445a.
They sneak down to the lunchroom and get high carb food from the express line and take it back to their cubes without speaking to anyone. Or, worse, they bring last night's Kung Pow chicken from home in a rubbermade container and heat it in the microwave. They like it that way. But studies show that their is more bacteria on the average programmer's keyboard than on the average toilet seat. (I do not know who did the study, but it is intuitively believable.) Personally, I find the odor of reheated leftovers to be nauseating.
Assuming that you are not a geek, you must flee from the noisome miasma of re-heated Asian and Mongolian cuisine that drifts over cube city at lunch time. You have two choices: Go to the Mall or seek-out and cultivate a group of interesting people to go to lunch with. At the cafeteria, do not sit with anyone who is alone at a big table. Research studies show that people who are eating alone have severe personality disorders, which is why no one sits with them. Don't get sucked in by their apparent friendly and inviting demeanor. They are a sink hole of human sadness. Better to go pretend to go back to your cube (but then take your lunch to your car and eat it in the way to the Mall.)
On this topic, you should also not ask the cross-eyed maintenance guy who has only one tooth, "How's it going?" Or he may deftly block your escape with his push broom and wheeled barrel, while telling you about his recent kidney transplant operation. This actually happened to me one morning. Now I use a different route to get to the coffee area.
3. You should prepare for drive time traffic. Commuting is the bane of an otherwise tolerable job. That painful thirty or forty minutes spent in sluggish, if not stopped, traffic sows the seed of frustration and despair in even the most stalwart among us. Now, I am not a good commuter. I hate traffic, waiting and everything associated with sitting in my car trying to be somewhere at the ungodly hour of 9am. Getting home before 6:30 pm is even worse.
My advise here is to find something to entertain yourself while passing the time. Books on CD or tape, favorite tunes, memorize epic poems, checking yourself for ticks, that sort of thing. Some people knit, or learn to play the harmonica, or practice asking the boss for a raise. (These days, the stigma of apparently talking to yourself in the car has been ameliorated by the existence of mobile phones.)
The other thing that helps me during the heavy traffic nightmare is thinking about the things I can buy - now that I have an income again.
6/07/2005
Week 3
My, how the time passes. I know you are wondering - "How is it, back in the grind [of working full time]?" At least that seems to be the main question posed in the thousands of messages posted in the old Hellhole Mailbox. In the interests of full disclosure, the second most pressing question is "Do you want to buy drugs online without a prescription?" Funny, you would think the courts might chase after those internet drug peddlers insteads of trying to refuse dubies to severely sick people who only want a few tokes to releive their chronic pain.
But I digress.
The job is going well, thanks for your interest. So far, there is no evidence of hell-holish conditions: ie, when managers are clueless, micromanaging nitpickers. My role and all aspects of the job are loosly overseen by a blurry team of management specialists - all of whom are way too busy to spend a lot of time worrying about where I am and what I am doing every minute. I got some pretty clear directions and have a reasonable amount of time to deliver results. Can't ask for a better situation and still call it going to work.
The nagging problem (other than the rectal itch thing) is the commute. The location of my office is in a bad place to get to during rush hour. I have been experimenting with staggered hours. So far the schedule I like best is going in arounf 9:30 and coming home around four.
Unfortunately, this is not considered a full time schedule by my peer group. Glad I don't work for them!
But I digress.
The job is going well, thanks for your interest. So far, there is no evidence of hell-holish conditions: ie, when managers are clueless, micromanaging nitpickers. My role and all aspects of the job are loosly overseen by a blurry team of management specialists - all of whom are way too busy to spend a lot of time worrying about where I am and what I am doing every minute. I got some pretty clear directions and have a reasonable amount of time to deliver results. Can't ask for a better situation and still call it going to work.
The nagging problem (other than the rectal itch thing) is the commute. The location of my office is in a bad place to get to during rush hour. I have been experimenting with staggered hours. So far the schedule I like best is going in arounf 9:30 and coming home around four.
Unfortunately, this is not considered a full time schedule by my peer group. Glad I don't work for them!
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