The Road Not Taken

I was cleaning out the basement the other day, trying to cross items off my indoor "honey-do" list before the Spring weather outside calls me to the garden – or someone makes me a job offer that I cannot refuse. I came across a folder of work-related stuff that I had saved from the 80's and 90's.

In one folder were some performance reviews from the 80's when I had my first management job working at a now defunct minicomputer company. I was struck by the fact that the reviews of my management style were mediocre. My "superiors" were unanimous in labeling me a nice guy, good writer and pretty good analyst. No one really liked me as a manager. I was "too soft" on subordinates. I was a procrastinator, and not a good role model. I was either too collaborative or not collaborative enough. Some managers thought I was stubborn and had a low sense of urgency.

In all honesty I have to agree with these opinions, even though I thought most my superiors at that place were shitheads. This is not to say that they were stupid or lazy. No, they were mostly very smart, ambitious, competitive and – unfortunately for me (and the company) - wrongheaded. They sucked at management, too. They had gotten ahead by shooting guys like me in the foot and sucking-up. The company had started out in the mid 70’s as an engineering-driven company producing a great product. By the mid 80’s the company had evolved into a classic “command and control” organization, dominated by financial types – much like Enron.

The financial management network was strong, insular and always certain of their leadership. I thought they were mostly shitheads, because they systematically (if not intentionally) de-motivated people who were creative, interesting and even productive - in the name of leadership. They were micromanaging nitpickers, not the visionaries that they saw in the mirror. By the way, they drove the company off a cliff in 1988. They all moved on to bigger and better positions, sort of like the way a virus spreads to new host environments.

But, back to me. During the 90’s, I decided that being an individual contributor was the best path for me. As an IC I no longer had to deal with being a middle manager – trying to insulate the subordinates from the madness of upper management.

I confess that non-management career track was the easy way out of my performance predicament. My performance reviews for that period reflected the wise decision not to be in a supervisory capacity. The glowing reports of my exceptional interpersonal skills and ability to advocate the business requirements of my department almost make me blush to this day.

So, there you have it. I guess Management is not for everyone. I was never really comfortable telling others what to do or how to do it. (Although I warrant that many of my peers would assert that I was pretty free with unsolicited advice.)

I admit it: I was born without a sense of urgency. This is a fatal flaw for someone who is in charge. Someone – the boss – needs to tell people what to do. The boss needs to decide when the thing needs to be done. And he or she must be willing to scream and yell or chop people’s fingers off if necessary.

I was unequipped for such a role. Even if I had read the Machiavelli book earlier in my career, I fear would have been too compassionate and tentative. Subordinates, sensing this weakness, would have taken credit for their own work, remained creative and productive, and would generally have made my life a living hell. My bosses would have chided me for the unwillingness to get blood on my hands, and to thump the hive randomly, just for the fun of watching the worker bees buzzing around.

So, I tossed the folder full of reviews into the trash. Ancient history now. And without the historical documents to prove me wrong, I can return to the comfort of faded memories of the 80’s and my fictitious life as a successful corporate manager.