If I Were Emperor

I know that I promised to avoid talking  politics here, and to leave the opinionating to more bombastic blatherers, like my friend George ... But lately, the news has been so crazy that I cannot sit idely quiet on the sidelines anymore. 
The country is surely going down the tubes when one conceivable scenario for 2012 election  pits the incumbent mediocre-at-best President against a shallow self-promoting real estate billionaire who has never won an elective office. I think we need an alternative.  Which is why I am running to be elected as Your Emperor.

Under my regime:

No Air Traffic Controllers would fall asleep. Anyone caught asleep would be terminated immediately and charged with attempted murder.  Their Immediate supervisor would also be terminated, and that person's manager would be required to prove that they had done everything in their power to avoid fatigue among workers.


Piracy on the seas would be stopped.  Troops would be removed from Iraq and sent to occupy Somalia. They would capture and kill suspected pirates, free hostages and sink all watercraft associated with piracy.  Pirate leaders would be beheaded and buried with the carcass of a pig.

Healthcare would be simple.  All current laws will be abolished and the federal role in healthcare would be reduced to 15 pages of  12 point double spaced text.  

All Government benefits would be means tested.  Medicare, social security, free cheese. 

All prisons would be "hard time."  No TV, no Gym, no visitors, no access to phone or computer, no cigarettes, nothing but hard work, isolation, regret for one's crimes. Parole would be abolished.  Government officials found guilty of corruption would get double sentences. Sentences could only be commuted by public referrendum held in the relevant community.

Illegal immigration will be stopped. Every citizen will be required to carry a photo ID card, which must be presented every time they vote, cash a check, go to a doctor, use a pay toilet, enter a casino, etc.   Every citizen in the country will be fingerprinted and dna sample taken when their ID card is issued. 

Current federal tax code would be abolished and replaced with a no-loopholes 15% flat tax on all wages, dividends, gains, or other form of income.  Exception: Government benefits would not be taxed, because that is just plain silly.

All subsidies would be abolished.  Any industry that cannot fund itself, has no business being in business.

99% of troops deployed to Europe. Asia, Middle East and worldwide will be withdrawn in an orderly manner.  Former military bases and equipment will be sold to the host countries.  Troops will be redeployed to restore control of our inner cities, eliminate illegal gang and mob activities.  Also, troops will be deployed at critical borders and seaports to quell attempts to smuggle drugs or people or to create havoc among us. 

99% of  all foreign aid will be withdrawn over a 3 year period.  Immediately no US aid would be spent on military hardware.

This would just be for starters. 
I am not like those other politicians.  Elect me Emperor and I will fix everything. 
Honestly.