Simple Solutions

 Now that the election is over and no one is really happy with the prospects of the next term, I am inspired to revive my campaign to be elected as Emperor of the USA --  a lifetime job.  So here is my platform:

The Top 5 Things I would do if I was Emperor

#1  I would decree a change to the method of calculating interest on a loan.  Use the same method banks use to pay interest on savings, instead of loading all the interest charges up front.  Banks still make money and people can afford to borrow. 

#2 I would get the Mafia to help run the Credit Card companies.  The practical way that loan sharks handle collections is efficient and effective.  Knowing that they would be getting a personal visit from one of the Corleone agents would quickly reduce the number of deadbeats and ID thieves.  This would lower the costs for those of you subjects who buy what you can afford and pay your bills on a regular basis.

#3 How come it is called “price gouging” when gas stations inflate prices to take advantage of demand, yet airlines are allowed to screw the ticket buyers to a fare thee well?  Why is it called “torture” when suspects are detained and interrogated inhumanely, yet airlines can force you to sit in a stalled plane for 8 hours?

 It is time to nationalize all airlines and institute a flat rate and eliminate traveler class preference.  All airline executives would be forced to ride in the middle seat, with some un-bathed dude, sporting dreadlocks, sitting in the seat front of them with the seat back tilted into their confined space.  

#4 Homeland security.  I would close all foreign bases and bring the troops home to guard our borders, airports and inner cities.  All privately owned assault weapons will be confiscated and banned.  Personal protection handguns would be allowed for sane, upstanding citizens over the age of 55.  

#5 Legalize Cell Phone Jamming devices.  Public places and transportation vehicles will install these devices, which breaks off any cell phone voice activity.  Special waiting places will be assigned for cell-phone talkers, smokers and also people who disdain normal standards of personal hygiene.   Bars and restaurants must install Cell-Phone Booths to sequester the inconsiderate yakkers.   The penalty for shooting cell phone abusers will be reduced to a misdemeanor.

You have to admit that these policies would be a great start to a better society.  I am open to other ideas.  What are you thinking?