As 2022 starts ticking away, I am visited by the nagging awareness that I am six months away from my 80th birthday. You might think that the realization that I'm on the downward side of the hill would have me assessing my life and the meaning of it all, worrying about my legacy, putting my affairs in order. But no....
I have long since given-up trying to find meaning in existence. I've come to accept that true understanding of concepts like infinity and eternity are beyond knowing to the minds of men. I would love to believe in an afterlife, higher power, or even UFO's. But, the evidence does not support such fantasies.
What gives meaning to life anyway? I do not require meaning in nature. I accept the randomness of it all. Scientific explanation for the physical world makes sense to my mind. As I contemplate my advanced age, I accept that my world is smaller. While some adventurers seek to walk on other planets, I am content to tread familiar paths, within walking distance. I cherish the ability to walk, realizing that it is an impermanent state.
Such concerns as my place in the universe, or was I a good father? do not haunt me. What is cannot be changed. As my grandfather would say to my grandmother's frequent harangues, "Anne, I'm doing the best I can; that's all you would expect of a horse." So it was, in work and life, I did the best I could at the time.
I accept that some doors have closed: I will not win the Nobel Prize for literature, or become US Open Tennis Champion. Also, I do not ruminate about past events. The past cannot be undone. I do acknowledge that my future is rooted in the past. Smoking for 40+ years did not help my pulmonary function today, or tomorrow. Ditto other unhealthy habits.
Such concerns as my place in the universe, or was I a good father? do not haunt me. What is cannot be changed. As my grandfather would say to my grandmother's frequent harangues, "Anne, I'm doing the best I can; that's all you would expect of a horse." So it was, in work and life, I did the best I could at the time.
I accept that some doors have closed: I will not win the Nobel Prize for literature, or become US Open Tennis Champion. Also, I do not ruminate about past events. The past cannot be undone. I do acknowledge that my future is rooted in the past. Smoking for 40+ years did not help my pulmonary function today, or tomorrow. Ditto other unhealthy habits.
Yet, there is still reason to remain optimistic. Some bodily damage can be repaired. So can relationships.
Fortunately I do not have a list of regrets or evil deeds to repent. I am content with my current self. To go back and change any event in the past, would take me to another place. I am not willing to risk ending up in that what-if place.
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