The Shit List

 It was another of those warmish Fall days that make you glad to be alive. I was sitting at my desk reading the obituary page in today’s paper. One of my few obsessions in life is the daily reading of death notices, hoping to see the names of people who are on my shit list. 

The shit list is not very long. I keep it in my head. The list contains the names of people -- mainly former bosses who failed to appreciate my genius, a few evil and conniving coworkers who betrayed confidences and thwarted my ambitions. The neighbor with the barking dog. The CFO who torpedoed my career back in the 80’s, one of his lackeys who made my job (and me) disappear hoping to get suck-up points. The moron who thought my idea for using the internet for customer service was a dumb and risky idea in 1996. 

The list has not had any new additions in the last few years, mainly since I stopped working for people with their heads up their ass. Unfortunately, I have not crossed too many people off the list either. I heard one of them got testicular cancer (thumbs up!) but sadly, it is not always fatal. 

I am not saying that their crimes are a motive for murder or anything like that. I’m just saying that news of the early and agonizing death of people on the list would cheer me up. A bit of schadenfreude, you say? Hey, I never said I was perfect.

 Actually, now that I think of it, I have a more unspecific list of nameless people whose deaths I would have enjoyed reading about. Call center owners and employees, authors of those scam emails, drivers who have cut me off or otherwise violated my safety and lane occupation on the highways… that sort of offender. 

Today, no one I know was listed in the paper, so I turned to the bird sightings section. One of the sightings was a scarlet ibis. This has to be a secret code. You never see ibises in the North.