Annoyance Therapy

Memory device

Like many others who fancy themselves as Writers, I usually carry around a small pocket sized notepad for recording great thoughts, pithy observations, and random notes.  It is a great relief for aging memory banks to simply jot down a recommended book title, or a website URL.  ( The chief drawback with this device is that I often forget to read the notes that were so carefully recorded.  I have dozens of ragged notebooks full of unread scribblings)*

One section of the notebook is reserved for my list of annoyances. As you may have gathered,  I find that I am annoyed by nearly everything - weather, barking dogs,horns honking, wet mail, rap music, traffic, insects, soggy pizza, anyone with a smartphone, people in audiences, dreadlocks, commercials...  --the list is endless; I think you get the idea.

But, my genius is this: rather than letting annoying people and things drive me into grumpy irrelevance, I try to use annoyance as a creative force.  I recognize that annoyance is merely a mild form of anger.  Thus when something annoys me I do not let it control me. I do not shout and wave my arms.  I write a poem, post a blog entry, or regale the person behind me in the line at Starbucks with my latest cynical observation**.  By sharing these annoyances with others, I joyfully let them go.  They do not own me. I am free of their evil spell.

My audience often rewards me with reinforcing affirmations of legitimacy. Sure, there are those few humorless, self important, smiley-faced, lemonade-making optimists who regard my complaints as the feeble protestations of an aged goat. (Get over it, Dude. Stuff happens.)   I just add those people to my 'Annoying persons' list, where they are subjected to universal mockery and derision.

Some word usages that I think are annoying (Copied from Notepad notes):

Shocking - this word has become so over-used, especially in internet ads,  as to render it meaningless.  Apparently, the attention of a skimming reader is drawn to any sentence that has the word "shocking" in it.
The most absurd headline:  "Shocking facts about weight loss!" takes you to the URL of a company that sells pills that are guaranteed to help you shed hundreds of milligrams.

Grab - "Let me grab you something to drink,"  says my waitress.  Grab?  What happened to "Can I bring you something?"  Even Budweiser commercials have adopted the slogan "Grab some Buds."  Maybe it's just me but grab has a slightly larcenous connotation.

Momentarily - "The doctor will be with you momentarily." Gee you mean he will step into the room for a split-second and then disappear?  I know this one has been annoying pure English speakers for decades, but I still hear it often.


Ok that's enough for today.   There is risk of self-analysis morphing into mere self-absorption.  Especially on a cold day when you have no lunch plans.

============================================

Notes:
 *Before I came upon the idea of the notebook I would jot  notes on napkins, odd bits of paper, 3X5 cards, envelopes, etc.  And I still have shoeboxes filled with the golden wisdom, hoarded in the basement.  I really must check them out someday and copy the good ones into a notebook.

** Three bucks for a cup of coffee --Really?

Bumps in the Vocabulary

Now my regular fans know well that I am not a word snob.  I'm pretty laissez faire about the evolution of language, generally.  I think the most useful grammatical rules of English should be followed, at least in printed form. Most people use the correct tense of the verb, and we usually align the proper pronoun with the singular or plural form.  I'm not nitpicky about ending a sentence with a preposition,  or when it is proper to use whom.

In the library the other day a I saw a sign on a carts of books, "Everything on this cart 50 cents."  I was tempted to take everything on the cart and plunk down my half a buck , but I didn't want anything and I value my time too much to do it just to make a point, so I just scrawled the word "each" at the end of the sign. And perhaps un-necessarily replaced "Everything" with "Anything."

One sticky area is the increasing use of "they" instead of "his" or "her" as in: if anyone wants to join the club they should send in their application right away.  
This is much less awkward that the correct grammatical usage and therefor I approve.

One rather jarring term used in popular media is "Baby Bump" to describe the abdomen of a pregnant celebrity.  This just sounds wrong, crude and if I may be judgmental ignorant.  I would rather use the ancient terms to describe pregnancy than to read and hear about baby mamas and baby bumps.

Another really annoying trend is the proliferation of the word Grab.  Twice recently, I found the word grating on my ears.  Once when the waitress asked if she could grab somethings.  Can I grab you something to drink?  No, just go and get us a coupla martini's honey. Or,  maybe why don't you just grab this!

Perhaps this annoyance like so many other catch phrases was started by the slogan "Grab some Buds."
Which is mainly offensive in the suggestion that one would drink such insipid beer, but also suggests that one should get fist fulls of Buds and get sloshed.  Lord knows where the grabbing could lead...some one could end up with a bump in the oven.  Just sayin'