How to tell if your Project is FUBAR

Many readers write to the HH mailbag asking how to tell when the project you are working on is FUBAR. We at the Hellhole Center for Project Recognition have done some pretty f-ing amazing research. We looked at some notes we had copied a few years ago and came up with this list.

1. The database is either PeopleSoft or Oracle.

2. The green-card DBA's keep looking at you like you are some senile old bastard who doesn't get database structure.

3. Your Blog begins to hint that the project may be headed for a big granite wall called reality.

4. The users agree with everything you say, but you can tell that they are hiding something important.

5. There is a wine and cheese party scheduled for the week after "go Live".

6. The Project leadership hires a new analyst nine (9) work days before "Go Live" to replace the Analyst nwho started 3 weeks after you and then quit, citing "too much chaos." The replacement was supposed to start this morning, but called in with "car trouble."

7 There were two (false) fire alarms pulled in the building today. (No, it was not me)

8. Micro-Management complains that team members do not escalate issues soon enough. When you raise an issue that seems like a management concern, they call for marathon meetings to assess who knew what and when did they know it. You are eventually scolded for not raising the issue last year - even though you only started 2 months ago.

9. You personally could give a fiddlers fart whether the project succeeds or not. You have no ego-involvement in the outcome. (The weekly paychecks have cleared amiably.) The work is interesting even though the project has as much chance at success as a band of nude gay jugglers in Pakistan.

10. Everyone you need to talk to is on vacation, or too busy to talk to you. You find yourself documenting every elevator conversation and phone call, just in case you need to show how busy you have been.

11. You longingly remember how nice the garden looked before you went back to this dumb job.