A Quiet Day

It’s quiet around here this morning*.  No phones ringing from unwanted unidentified callers, no WiFi internet connection, no Cable TV.  None of the noise that we take for granted – SiriusXM music on the PC, no news, no Judge Judy, no fear-mongering about weather.  

FIOS is down.

We were able to call the Verizon Customer Service number on my wife’s I-phone.  A computer-generated woman’s voice wanted to have a dialog with me, but kept saying “I did not understand what you said.”  I guess we are in one of those near “dead” zones that Verizon never mentions in their TV ads when they are showing robust coverage to mobile phones in this area.  

We managed to get though the sequence of steps required to test the line.  Verizon assures me that their network is up and running, so the problem is with me.

I have performed all the tests and steps that the homeowner can do.  I have rebooted set-top boxes, reset the Wi-Fi router, unplugged and re-plugged the phone system.  

Nada, nada, nada.

The customer service line at Verizon is worse than a root canal.  You have to engage in an otherworldly dialog with the computer pretending to be a real woman.   "For security purposes" it asks you information that you cannot know unless you have your last month’s bill in hand.   I believe this is a stalling technique to make you get off the line and call back later, starting the whole process again.  It does not give you any alternative to answering the impossible questions "What is the three digit number on your phone bill?"  (since everyone knows they have to have their bill in hand to make this customer service call).  

Instead of hanging-up to go search through my bill drawer, I recalled the advice of a friend who, whenever she is confronted by an automated voice system, says “Agent!”  When I did this, the system responded with a clatter of beeps and boops>  Then I got the “We are experiencing a heavy volume of calls, all of our agents are busy with other customers, your call will be answered yadda yadda yadda. " 

Finally, after a 20 minute wait on hold (subjected to the worst quality of recorded noise/music ever heard by humans**) I got to talk to a live person.  She assured me that the problem was not with the Verizon Network (so why are you having a heavy volume of calls at 8am???) 

After making me check that everything is plugged-in, she finally agreed to send a technician sometime between now and Easter***.  I really didn’t have any choice but to hang-out here all day waiting. We've already been quiet here since about 8 PM last night.  

BTW, I missed the much anticipated season premiere of “Fargo” on F/X; since the DVR  didn’t work either!

My theory is that there are only two employees at Verizon; one answers the phones and the other does service calls.  This is the only explanation I can think of for the inordinate wait times.

=====   

The Tech arrived at 3pm.  He seemed to know what he was doing.  He determined that a power surge had fried the humma humma board.  He replaced the board, used my bathroom and then left for the next gig.

Voila, we were back on-line.  

In retrospect, we agreed that it was actually not so painful to be un-connected for a few hours.  We did not miss any news: There is still a missing airplane somewhere in the Ocean, there was a bombing last year at the Boston Marathon, they still have not found a cure for psoriasis.  I got a lot of paperwork filed away, backed-up my PC, did laundry, started writing my memoir (working title: “What I learned about Semicolons.”)

Last night, they repeated “Fargo” on F/X, so today, I do not have much to complain about. 

Have a nice day. 

Footnotes

* This was actually written yesterday, but could not be posted until I got my Internet connection back.

**Music sounds choppy when mobile signal strength is low.

*** OK, actually she said “sometime between now and 9pm.”