Investigating

I was surfing the channels on TV the other day and happened to stop on the program called "Dog - The Bounty Hunter." This guy - Dog has a great job. He chases down bail jumpers, beats the hell out of them and then lectures them about fiscal responsibility all during the ride back to jail. Apparently, Bounty Hunters do not need a warrant. They can come to your house, kick down the door and shoot you if you resist.

Hmmn I thought, Bounty Hunting might be a little to much of a career transition for someone whose most confrontive act was asking for the senior discount at Papa Gino's.

But, when I saw an ad on Monster.com for a Private Investigator, I started thinking about the parallels between systems analysis and crime fighting. Analytical mind, patient observer, willing to write up detailed accounts of relatively mundane events, able to keep a secret... Crap. That was the booger in the oatmeal. How the heck could I be trusted to keep a secret? I'm a yakker, a shmoozer, a story teller. No way I could pass the battery of psychological tests to find the perfect investigator: Disciplined, heartless, follower of orders, no empathy for the victim oops I mean suspect.

By the way, the dirty little secret of job boards is that many of the listings are NOT jobs, but rather sneaky and underhanded come-on's from people who do not have jobs but use fake jobs to suck you into giving them information and paying them money to list you in their database, which they say will help you find jobs. Some of their come-ons are probably familiar: (Work at home licking envelopes and make hundreds a week! Be a Secret Shopper - you can get rich! Earn Millions from the Belly Button Lint you have in your own home!)

This "ad" was the same type of marketing BS. The offer you a "test" to see if you are the right sort of personality to be an Investigator earning thousands of dollars just watching people go in and out of motels, or tracking down bail jumpers,like Dog?
I must say I was surprised to learn how many different jobs there are in the field of "investigation." Here is the list they published in the ad.

* Background Investigations
* Civil & Undercover Investigations
* Retail & Cashier Fraud Surveillances
* Crime Scene Analysis
* Sales Fraud Investigations
* Criminal & Drug Investigations
* Real Estate Fraud
* Nursing Home Abandonment Cases
* Insurance Fraud
* Music & Video Piracy
* Nanny & Child Care Investigations
* Integrity Shopping Services
* Missing Persons & Research
* Pre-Employment for hotel chain employees
* Dead Beat Spouse Collections
* Process Service
* Customer Service Investigations
* Internet and Web Hack Programmer Investigations
* Telemarketing & Collections Investigations
* Protective & Bodyguard Services
* Work at Home scam Investigations
* Skip Tracing
* Clerical and Office embezzlement
* Forensic and/or Evidentiary Photography
* Federal Anti-Piracy Investigations
* Medical Negligence Examinations
* Identity & Social Security Theft


Sounds like crime creates a lot of jobs. Maybe we need to encourage that sort of behavior.