Wrinkled

An Unsolicited Style Guide for Old Guys 

Mainstream media is obsessed with appearance.  Look at any section of the newspaper and you’ll find pictures of attractive people who are elegantly dressed, doing interesting things.  Outside of the obituary section you rarely find pictures of elderly people, and even in that section a lot of loved ones elect to publish pictures of the deceased when they were much younger. 

If you are like most of us old guys, you aren't cute anymore (and haven’t been for some time).   We cannot identify with pictures we see in magazine ads and catalogs.  Most male fashion models do not look like us.  We do not have beach tans, trimmed eyebrows or athletic legs.  We are out-of-shape, need a haircut and have bushy ear hair.  (Did you ever have to trim your ear hair and eyebrows when you were younger?  WTF?)   We do not identify with the “Trim” look.  We are wrinkled, we have food stains on our tee shirts.  We are always looking for a comfortable chair with a back.  Some of us in generation XL  eschew booths and places with unmovable seating like McDonalds -- because we don’t fit.  

Sure there are old guys out there who have a sense of style and they already know how to dress.  This advice is not for them.  They apparently enjoy torturing themselves with tight collars, flashy ties, scrupulously pressed shirts and pants, calf-high socks, tight leather shoes.  Let them walk their walk.  

My words are for the rest of us:  Full-figured guys, typically dressed in clothes that are at least  3 years old, probably bought off-season, several seasons ago.  

This advice is for the kind of guy who, after a lifetime of wearing the uniform dictated by one’s occupation, has come to the realization that comfort is the key to a happy life over 70.

Here are some of the key rules for comfortable seniority: 

- Comfort is key but you don’t want to look like your grandfather.
- Weather appropriate. (Shorts with No underwear is not okay.) 
- Clean clothes when going out of the house.  No Iron clothes may be a tad wrinkled; so what -- you are too.

Personal Hygiene Note:  It is critical to bathe regularly, people will notice if you don’t. Change underwear every day - or more often if needed. (As long as you’re showering, you might as well shave too.)

Hats can define you - I generally wear a baseball cap, the proper way with the bill in front.  If you wear it backwards, people are going to wonder what you are hiding on your neck.  It looks silly that way, but some clueless folks think it’s cool.  Don’t be one of those people.

 

Socks.  I’ve always thought that socks can be optional for most activities and venues.  With some exceptions such as funerals, or formal business meetings, let common sense be your guide.  Sockless feet can get sweaty and create odor, just sayin’.

Hair.   Don’t look like Bernie Sanders  or Boris Johnson.  Unkempt hair makes you look unhinged, which is the opposite of how you want to look.    Wash it regularly, and get a haircut monthly. 

Ear hair nose hair eyebrows.  If you are like me for sixty years I never had to trim my eyebrows or ear hair.  For some reason, as the hair on your head recedes, it starts growing in other places.* I have a theory about this.

Fingernails  people notice if they are too long or dirty, or chewed down to the cuticles..

 

Jewelry.  Minimal bling.  Nothing around the neck.  No piercings.  A watch and a ring should do it.

 

Cologne - Other than underarm deodorant,  avoid other  scents.  You do not need to smell like a french pimp.

 

Toenails and flip flops.  If you can’t reach your toenails go to a spa where you can get them trimmed.

Don't call attention to your legs or how you walk especially  if you have bow legs

Breath mints  keep some in your car and man purse.  (Yeah, it’s okay to carry stuff in a bag or case, just refer to it as your “Kit”.)

Etiquette. At the table, avoid soups. They are messy and will inevitably stain your clean shirt.  It’s okay to use a napkin as a bib.  Like they did in Godfather.

Skin. Cover sun damaged arms and other unattractive places.  No one likes blotch.

Cigars.  Alway ask before you light up.  Do not punish people with evil stares if they register an objection.

Capes.  This guide is intended for straight guys , but whatever.  Gay guys already know a lot more about fashion than me.  Panache -- if you got it, flaunt it.   

Scarf? Not unless it’s winter and freezing.

Note: I try not to make stereotypical remarks, but I do not think it is homophobic to generalize about the gay male affinity for style. Everyone I know who is gay (no one)  is a snappy dresser or at least knows not to wear white socks with brown pants.

Comfort is everything.

If you get a Land’s End catalog and the first thing you do is to check to see if  underwear and socks are on sale, you are like me.

Nightwear.  A lot of old guys don’t even own pajamas.  Or bathrobes.   If you normally wear your underwear as sleepwear, there is a good chance that you will forget to change to a clean pair everyday.  I’ve done it myself.  You get up, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth.  You don’t feel like getting dressed but you need to go out and get the morning paper in the driveway, so you pull on some old work pants and maybe the same shirt you were wearing yesterday.  You go down, get the paper, have coffee and toast and you work on the crossword puzzle.  Before you know it the morning has flown. Maybe you plan to take a shower later but right now you need to mow the lawn.  One thing leads to another and before you know it you are going back to bed wearing 2 day underwear.  Obviously, this violates the clean clothes policy.  For some the simple answer is not to wear underwear at all.  This is perfectly ok with me, except if you are wearing shorts -- if your balls don’t mind, neither do I.

I cannot think of a reason for an old man to own a bathrobe.  Unless you are trying to seduce someone and want to be ready for anything without the danger of awkward undressing, this is a totally useless garment.   Men look silly in a bathrobe.  So, do give yours away to some charitable organization, in the hope that they make rags out of it.  On the other hand, if you don’t care how ridiculous you look, the most comfortable article of clothing is the Kaftan, which should never be worn outside your home, unless you have a private yard with an 8 foot high fence.

The tip that works for me is to own a few sets of pajamas or athletic trunks and tops.  At the end of the day, change into that sleep attire.  This forces you to toss that day-old underwear into the laundry basket.  This virtually eliminates the chance that you will be too lazy to change into clean in the morning.   Another fresh start!  

Simple rules:

Clean clothes everyday

Get a Haircut monthly

Dress for the weather

Don't wear grubby clothes to market or bar

Never wear a pantsuit - you will look like an escapee from the home.

No fragrance beyond a decent deodorant

Get your teeth fixed

Check your zipper before you go out of the house.

The idea is

You need to be comfortable

You need to be sociable

You need to convince others  that you have not lost it.