Notes from the lagging edge - 1

Last week, we learned the answer to the question, "What happens if your cellphone becomes immersed in water?" If you have not already experimented on your own, you might want to review the following potential results:

A. Nothing happens, cellphones are designed to be waterproof.
B. The cell phone still works, but it sounds like you are calling from an aquarium.
C. The cell phone still works, but you lose your contacts list.
D. All Cell phone functionality ceases, Il est mort. (if you'll pardon my French)

The correct answer is, of course, D.

...because the geniuses who design mobile technology apparently do not have access to indoor plumbing, they don't go on boats, and don't carry bottles of water around in their purse that might leak and cause the cell phone to become drenched.

Now, if you or I were designing a device that was small and portable, we would make it waterproof, because we know that human beings often drop things, and gravity sometimes makes things fall into inconvenient places. We understand that a device that is small enough to fit in a pocket, will someday go through the laundry.

That's the practical approach. But if you are really smart, you don't waterproof the device, because you know that you can easily sell a new phone to the forgetful, irresponsible, hapless wet-phone loser.

Anyhow, one of our phones got wet last week. It was time to upgrade anyway. Both of our bare bones Coupe 8630's were at least 3 years old. Ancient by today's standards of functionality. Heck, they were primitive when they were new: no camera, very limited graphic processing, mundane ringtone options. The dry phone had started "pocket dialing" phone numbers on the contacts list at random.

So we reluctantly decided it was time to go down to the Verizon Wireless store to get the screwjob over with.

[As mentioned previously, I am a prisoner/customer of a loose federation of businesses that call themselves Verizon. Once you get hooked into FIOS (TV, Internet, Land phone), you might as well get their wireless service too. This way you get one big, consolidated incomprehensible bill each month, instead of several unconsolidated incomprehensible bills.]

They upgraded both of our old low tech phones to the new low-end model. It's an LG Accolade. One of the reasons I chose it was the review that said this model "...isn't the best camera phone, but it succeeds where a cell phone should." As far as I am concerned, my phone is for outgoing calls. I never turn my phone "on" unless I need to call for take-out Chinese or pizza from the car.

Go ahead and try to call me, you will get my voice mail encouraging you to leave a message on my land line. I do not text or take pictures. I have email and a blog (!) if I want to type some words, and I have a Canon digital camera if I need to take a photo.


What is the deal with ringtones anyhow? Why would you want to disturb everyone at the bar with your dumbass favorite song that everyone knows you paid extra for and of course you are very slow to drag out the phone because you want everyone within earshot to know how cool you are, but they are thinking answer the phone you moron and shut off that lame Yanni ringtone.

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Hype Fatigue

I don’t know about you, but I am getting real tired of being assailed by companies that seem to spare no expense when it comes to marketing. It isn’t enough that they insert themselves into nearly every page of every newspaper and magazine and web page. They harangue us for 20 minutes out of every hour on the radio and TV. They hire people to accost you in the mall. They incessantly deliver unwanted (and unread) sheaves if slick ad copy to your mailbox, or annoying automated calls to your voice mail.

You cannot even escape at the beach. Your placid moment on the sand will be disturbed by the droning of a single prop ww2 vintage fizzlewhacker with a banner trailing behind to announce the wet tee shirt contest and one dollar for frosty 12oz drafts at the local beer joint.

We are forced to pay extra for software to prevent pop-up ads from taking over our PC’s and even then you cannot view a blog or a searched page without some adware jiggling or twinkling to catch your eye. AOL makes a big thing out of preventing pop-ups, but allows insidious – and I reiterate UNWANTED - ads to appear in the middle of the screen and move through your field of vision, then disappear. If these are not pop-ups, what are they?

Even PBS programs – which are billed as “commercial free” give lengthy and blatent advertising plugs for high level donor companies. If these aren’t commercials what are they?

Apparently, the companies who spend all this money on advertising don’t care how effective it is. In fact, the jillion dollar “knock-off” industry sells products that are just as good as the “genuine article.” They let the big company spend all the money to hype the brand and then sell their look-a-like product cheaper and reap a high margin.

So my point is that I am annoyed. I decry the pollution of every media platform and venue with constant and repetitive advertising. I also object to the portion of each dollar spent that goes to pay for the promotion of the product.

There are many companies that would be on the list of blatant offenders – who spend an obscene amount of money on advertising and charge outlandishly for their products. Two are in my sights this morning: BOSE and OMAHA STEAKS.

BOSE: they make a fine product. But I see their full page ads in every paper nearly every day. They advertise on every radio station I know of. They are in magazines. They send expensive glossy direct mail pieces every couple of weeks. I would never buy the product because I don’t want to pay for the heavy advertising costs that drive their prices to premium level. There are high quality knock-offs (see Cambridge Soundworks) for half the price.

OMAHA STEAKS: They produce delicious looking pictures in their brochures. They package-up what looks like a real great deal. Then you get the shipment and are disappointed that the steaks are small and thin and not even close to the flavor and juiciness of a fresh steak purchase from the meat guy at the market. I was disappointed but wrote it off to experience. Yet they will not leave us alone. We get offers in the mail every week and constant calls from telemarketers in Nebraska. Their Hype is annoying. I will not buy their products again.

Ironically, the one product ad that has appealed to me lately is for the new High Definition radio sets which are hyped largely on the basis of being “commercial-free”.

Come to think of it, I am having second thoughts about the complaint about arial banners at the beach. How else would you know where to go for those one dollar frosty draft beers?