Distracted Drivers, Pay Attention!

Here in Massachusetts, the solons in the legislature are currently considering a bill to make it unlawful to use a hand-held mobile device while driving.

photo: jdpower.com

This is just common sense.  These days, whenever you see someone driving badly, nine out of ten of them have some sort of phone pressed to their ear.  The distraction of phone usage seems to interfere with a driver's sense of speed and distance.  Driver-Callers are either going too fast,  passing you on the right,  or they are blocking traffic, moping along in the passing lane.  They pull out in front of you suddenly, cut you off and steal your parking space, they follow too closely, meander through intersections and generally create a more hazardous situation.

Some critics don't think the proposed measure is enough.  They think hands-free phones are also distracting. I'm sure there is scientific proof that any non-driving activity is distracting*.
We carry on conversations with passengers, sing along with golden oldies,  sip our drive through coffee, and practice our presentations while speeding down the pike.  Most of the time we arrive without a crash.  But I must admit to rear-ending a Subaru in Newton one morning while I was writing down the punchline to a joke (which I no longer recall). 

The great thing about modern technology is that cell phone transmissions can be tracked by location and time.  The only way the  law can be enforceable - is to make analysis of cell phone records an integral part of the investigation of any accident. 

I would even support a bill that allows an insurance company to add a caveat to its policies that says, we will not pay if you are involved in an accident while using a mobile device (or not wearing seat belts).  This would seen to be a great incentive for drivers to self police their own cell phone usage.

*I've witnessed some bizarre behavior at the wheel, most of which should probably be prohibited: Women applying make-up, people noshing on Egg McMuffins, reading  paper or book, one guy was practicing scales on his trumpet while waiting at a stoplight on memorial drive.  One time, following a small red pickup truck on route 495,  I noticed  something hitting my windshield making little smudges, so I sped up and passed them, I could see a couple apparently oblivious  grooving to the music eating chicken wings and  tossing the bones out of the windows.

Isn't it time for the madness to stop?

Zombies in your living room

One of Steven King's lessor works was a 2006 novel called "Cell." The premise of the story is that a never-explained source of the worldwide cellphone network creates a mysterious pulse that is broadcast on all operating cell phones. Everyone who is on the phone turns into a zombie. Anyone who is on their phone is immediately turned into lurching living dead. The crazed "phoners" gather in groups to hunt and attack the one who were not afflicted (normals).

Although the novel was published before the current wave of "smart" phones, I cannot help being reminded of it as a metaphor for what actually happens when normal (flip-phone) people get a "smart" phone. Smart means any of the flat phones - iphones, blackberries, droids, etc. with tiny screens and keyboards that connect the device to email and Internet. Oh yeah, they also make phone calls.

When someone gets one of these devices you and their other contacts are suddenly deluged with poorly focused video and snapshots, and text messages (eg, "u nvr guess who is sittng nxt to us." Attached is a blurry photo of someone who looks like Brad Pitt.) You keep getting calls but no one is there. When you dial them back they say, "oh it must have been an ass-dial. Oops i have another call bye now."

Smart phoners turn into mesmerized information crazed zombies. Perhaps you have noticed that people who have acquired a new smart phone begin to exhibit a personality change. Visitors who were previously interesting and polite now display a rude disregard for normal rules of attentiveness and an unabashed preoccupation with something other than your company. They come into a room and place the smart phone on the nearest flat surface so they can watch it in case they get a new tweet or email message. From that moment on, your conversation is punctuated by their incoming calls and text messages which require their immediate reply.

First, you feel embarrassed for them and their dis-social zombie-like transformation. Then, you start to become angry at their apparent disrespect for your companionship. You can't wait for them to leave; and your interest in future socialization melts like a dropped popsicle on a hot summer sidewalk.

They are everywhere: at the pub, at the theater, in museums, restaurants, libraries, stores, even at the pool. I guess they think they are cool. The rest of us think they are annoying.

Solar Flares and Hemorrhoids

If your favorite wireless gadget is acting-up today, it could be because of the solar storm that is pummeling the Earth's atmosphere with cosmic radiation. Scientists (who may actually understand this stuff) warn that some communications may be disturbed - GPS, and other satellite based transmissions will be most vulnerable.

A lot of people are worried about global warming and believe that humans can do something to delay or prevent it. I believe that it is far more likely that civilization as we know it will be destroyed by a disastrous and unforeseen extraterrestrial EMP (electromagnetic pulse) that wipes out all communications, computer memory, and the power grid. Such an event would result in a long period of apocalyptic return to barbarism and chaos for surviving humans. Ok maybe I read too much sci fi during my youth, but I'm not the only one who worries about such things.

Also, I have long held the apparently unscientific belief that the dramatic recent rise in reported cases of personality disorder in humans (especially in children) can be linked to the corresponding increase in the amount of radio waves that are beaming all around and through our collective brain tissue from electromagnetic  sources - microwaves, cell phones and other wireless devices, radar, HD transmissions, ifrared remotes, lasers and you-name-it.  

If microwaves can cook popcorn, it is completely logical that they can alter the molecules of the human/fetal brain. The correlation calculations are not complete yet but I am confident is stating that extraterrestrial radiation will be proven to be the source of many physical maladies. Perhaps we have solved the mystery of unpredictable flare-ups in skin afflictions like psoriasis and certain nagging itches such as hemorrhoids. The current wave of solar powered high speed cosmic protons are crashing through the Van Allen belt at a speed of 14,000 miles per second. These are heavy duty quantum particles that can seriously plunk your magic twanger, Froggy.

Updated version:  A loyal reader (GWP) has informed me that sonar was incorrectly listed in my list of electromagnetic wave sources.   I am pleased to correct this information.  Of course sonar is a sound based wave.  Sonar transmissions are suspected as links to whale and dolphin strandings by some scientists. So they are potentially of earthshaking importance.  (e.g., if the Maker of the Universe sneezes, we could be in for a rocky ride of sonar storms, not to mention celestial germs).

Notes from the lagging edge - 1

Last week, we learned the answer to the question, "What happens if your cellphone becomes immersed in water?" If you have not already experimented on your own, you might want to review the following potential results:

A. Nothing happens, cellphones are designed to be waterproof.
B. The cell phone still works, but it sounds like you are calling from an aquarium.
C. The cell phone still works, but you lose your contacts list.
D. All Cell phone functionality ceases, Il est mort. (if you'll pardon my French)

The correct answer is, of course, D.

...because the geniuses who design mobile technology apparently do not have access to indoor plumbing, they don't go on boats, and don't carry bottles of water around in their purse that might leak and cause the cell phone to become drenched.

Now, if you or I were designing a device that was small and portable, we would make it waterproof, because we know that human beings often drop things, and gravity sometimes makes things fall into inconvenient places. We understand that a device that is small enough to fit in a pocket, will someday go through the laundry.

That's the practical approach. But if you are really smart, you don't waterproof the device, because you know that you can easily sell a new phone to the forgetful, irresponsible, hapless wet-phone loser.

Anyhow, one of our phones got wet last week. It was time to upgrade anyway. Both of our bare bones Coupe 8630's were at least 3 years old. Ancient by today's standards of functionality. Heck, they were primitive when they were new: no camera, very limited graphic processing, mundane ringtone options. The dry phone had started "pocket dialing" phone numbers on the contacts list at random.

So we reluctantly decided it was time to go down to the Verizon Wireless store to get the screwjob over with.

[As mentioned previously, I am a prisoner/customer of a loose federation of businesses that call themselves Verizon. Once you get hooked into FIOS (TV, Internet, Land phone), you might as well get their wireless service too. This way you get one big, consolidated incomprehensible bill each month, instead of several unconsolidated incomprehensible bills.]

They upgraded both of our old low tech phones to the new low-end model. It's an LG Accolade. One of the reasons I chose it was the review that said this model "...isn't the best camera phone, but it succeeds where a cell phone should." As far as I am concerned, my phone is for outgoing calls. I never turn my phone "on" unless I need to call for take-out Chinese or pizza from the car.

Go ahead and try to call me, you will get my voice mail encouraging you to leave a message on my land line. I do not text or take pictures. I have email and a blog (!) if I want to type some words, and I have a Canon digital camera if I need to take a photo.


What is the deal with ringtones anyhow? Why would you want to disturb everyone at the bar with your dumbass favorite song that everyone knows you paid extra for and of course you are very slow to drag out the phone because you want everyone within earshot to know how cool you are, but they are thinking answer the phone you moron and shut off that lame Yanni ringtone.

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